One shoe fits all?

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Limits are needed to protect a child from harm and to promote autonomy. A primary theme of healthy parent child relationships is the transfer of control from the parent to the child. We want our children to learn to soothe themselves when they are upset, control behaviors that are potentially harmful to themselves or others, and to become self-directed rather than reliant upon outside sources of motivation.

Setting Developmentally Appropriate Limits

How do we set boundaries (or limits) when every child is temperamentally different and develops at his or own pace? Sounds like a frustratingly difficult level of complexity, doesn’t it? And when there are multiple children involved, what system could possibly be right for all?

Instead of trying to figure out what limits an adventuresome six-year-old or a demanding sixteen-year-old should have, think in terms of the basic themes that can guide you. Limits exist for two important purposes: insuring safety and promoting growth.

It is easy to set limits that assure safety if we are not concerned about growth. In some circumstances, safety is the only concern. When the tornado siren sounds, everyone belongs in the basement with flashlight, blanket, radio, food and water. When driving, seatbelts are fastened, and no alcohol, drugs, or phones are allowed. But when can a child have her training wheels off, leave the yard, cross the street, or stay out beyond 10pm?

The growth we hope to promote is the development is autonomy – self-directed, self-controlled, and emotionally self-regulated.  We want our children to learn to soothe themselves when they are upset, control behaviors that are potentially harmful to themselves or others, and to become self-directed rather than reliant upon outside sources of motivation.

Our use of limits needs to take into consideration the extent a child can self regulate. A toddler who cannot negotiate stairs needs a fence at either end or a spotter. These are removed as she demonstrates mastery on the stairs and a healthy respect for falling.

Remember the Zone of Proximal Development? (See Goldilocks is in the “Zone” – Where We Learn Best ) That concept applies to limit setting. In areas where a child can self regulate, no external limits are necessary. When the challenges of a situation would overwhelm a child’s abilities, limits are needed. The zone between these two points is where limits can be useful in promoting growth.

All children are born curious and possess an inborn drive toward autonomy. Children want to achieve mastery and be able to control their environments (and not let the environment control them). Children have a drive to crawl, walk and climb. Where they do their crawling, walking and climbing is sometimes an issue of safety. But if they wish to have a greater range for crawling, walking and climbing, they need to demonstrate their ability to do it safely.

Remember the Magic Formula for motivation: Investment = (I want) x (I can)? Many children, especially young ones, listen to the (I want) and are off and running. They are motivated to develop the (I can) part, but are often unable to be objective about the quality or reliability of the (I can) part.

Limits are necessary when the (I can) is not fully developed. Yet these limits need to be dynamic so that the child knows that developing the (I can) means a pulling back of the limits. Limits promote healthy growth when they are perceived as (show me you can) rather than (you can’t), thus supporting the (I want) x (I can) formula that works so well.

Elsewhere, I discuss the problems of children who are overly timid or avoidant, who self-limit, because of fears of getting hurt, losing approval, or failing. For these children, limit setting takes on a completely different role. For those who are avoiding, the parent may need to gently set limits on the behavior used to avoid important work that needs to be done. Or the parent may need to inquire about the (missing) curiosity and ambition. For the timid, cautious, or shy child, the parent may need to provide safe support for engagement (ala ZPD scaffolding) that is gradually withdrawn, as the child feels more competent and confident.

When the engines of curiosity, ambition, and autonomy are at work, limits are useful standards for the child to push against to develop and demonstrate mastery. The precocious four-year-old child who thinks she is ready for the training wheels to come off can assert herself by asking for an audition to show she is ready. When her dad cannot keep up with her to support her seat, maybe she is ready for the wheels to come off. When the child can swim two laps of the pool and can tread water for 10 minutes, he has shown he is ready to swim in the deep end of the pool and use the diving board. When the child can get herself up for school on her own every morning for two weeks, she has shown she is ready for a half hour later bedtime. In each of these examples, the child is motivated for the parent’s limits to be relaxed and that occurs by virtue of the child’s demonstration of self-regulation. In these cases, the drive for autonomy and the wish to push back the limits on that autonomy provide the engine for development.

This form of limits, where the child understands that they are subject to change by virtue of their demonstrated mastery (or responsibility) is completely different from a system where rules or limits are arbitrary and rigid. For instance, when rules exist, “because I said so” or “because you are not old enough”, children either lose the drive to become competent and autonomous, or they shift their efforts into evading the limits through secrecy and deception. In a healthy family relationship, the parent is able to explain the need for the limit (for safety) and the child understands the competence he or she must demonstrate to alter that limit. It is a transparent and dynamic process. The parent and child may not agree on what constitutes readiness, but all parties should be able to understand and explain the reasoning of the other. In other words, a parent can be understanding and empathic and still say, “no”. A child can be disappointed, but know that the parent understands why they think and feel the way they do.

Here are a couple of examples:

Party Girl?

“Dad, you can trust me to not drink at that party”, explains his fifteen-year-old daughter.

“I do trust you, kiddo. I just don’t trust some of the people who will be there who have been drinking”, responds her father.

“You mean I can never be around people who are drinking?”

“Explain to me how you will be safe. Plus, am I correct in believing the police hand out tickets to everyone who is underage at a party with alcohol?”

This young lady has her work cut out for her. But she is not hearing “no, because I said so”. She is hearing, “I need to know you will be safe” and “you cannot break the law”. She will have to do some planning and brainstorming with her friends in terms of safety, openness, adult supervision, and setting. But she will figure something out, because she knows her father is strict but fair and she has earned his trust through a process of solving problems by showing she has outgrown limits instead of trying to evade them.

My Very Own Dog?

“Mom, I really want a dog. I’ll take care of him. I promise,” pleads Timmy.

“I don’t know. That is a huge responsibility and the dog can really suffer if he isn’t fed and walked,” his mother reminds him.

“Jamie has a dog and I’m the same age he is,” as Timmy points next door.

“Yeah, and who is it I see every morning walking Jamie’s dog?” his mother chuckles, trying hard not to sound too cynical.

“Jamie’s father does. Oops. Bad example, eh? Can we rent a dog for a week so I can show you?” brainstorms Timmy.

“Rented dogs can’t suffer?”

“You know what I mean. Let me prove I’m ready.”

“How would you do that?” his mother says, looking more serious now.

“I can clean my room every week and make my bed every day,” replies Timmy, knowing what seems to matter to his mother most mornings.

“That would be nice to see. What does that have to do with taking care of a dog?”

“I could fix my own breakfast and take you for a walk every day,” answers Timmy, starting to get the idea he has to show her he can take care of the dog.

“That would be nice, but I still don’t see how that proves you are ready for a dog.”

“Come on Mom. How can I show you?”

“I have an idea. Get Sparky down from the shelf and you can pretend he is a real dog for two weeks,” recalling Timmy’s attachment to his old stuffed dog.

“He is a real dog, Mom.”

“Huh?”

“I still talk to him. He just doesn’t answer back like he used to.” Timmy remembers that is mother used to compare his relationship to Sparky to the one between Calvin and Hobbes, their favorite reading at bedtime.

“Take care of Sparky for two weeks like you would a really real dog.”

“Like with a really real leash, dog dish and pooper-scooper?”

“Yeah. Let’s make a schedule for feeding and walking Sparky and put it up in the kitchen.”

“Are we going to buy Sparky real food, or just feed him table scraps?”

“How about YOU feed him blue Lego’s in the morning and red Lego’s at dinnertime?”

“And I’ll scoop yellow Lego’s on our walks?”

“That’s more information than I need.”

“How often do I need to walk Sparky?”

“Call Grandpa and ask him how often he takes Buster out.”

“Hey, I just thought of how I can prove I’m ready. Next time Nana and Grandpa go away, I can take care of Buster.”

“If you are reliable with the Sparky for two weeks, you can ask Grandpa.”

Just because a child is nine years old does not mean he is ready for “nine-year-old” privileges and responsibilities. Those should come by virtue of demonstrated mastery, on developmental time, rather than chronological time. Therefore, we are constantly assessing what a child can handle independently and where he is headed next. Fortunately, children usually let us know what is next. It is up to us to negotiate a process whereby they can develop more self-reliance. Support for their engagement as they master skills or take on increasingly more responsibility can be gradually withdrawn as they demonstrate a readiness. In other words, limits are created and amended on developmental time, not chronological or social time.

If you have not already read the distinction between developmental time and social/biological time, this would be a good time to click on that link.

Wishing for Some Magic?

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The importance of exercise and its role in cognitive functioning, mental health, and preventing obesity is presented. Two examples of school systems that successfully encourage exercise are described. “Not exercising when you feel down is like not taking an aspirin when your head aches”.¹

 

The compelling benefits of regular exercise

Ever wish someone would invent a pill that would make you happier, more alert, calmer, and better able to concentrate? While we are at it, why not make it easier to sleep and lose weight. What the heck, throw in a little added libido while you are at it. Think a drug company could make some serious money on a pill like that? No, it’s not Welbutrin. It’s EXERCISE, as in one-foot-in-front-of-the-other kind of exercise.

All of the benefits of our wished for drug are derived from exercise and the evidence is very compelling, even in the elderly. Check out Art Kramer’s work at the Beckman Institute at the University of Illinois. In this You Tube video, Dr. Kramer explains how exercise, even just walking, can reverse some of the effects of aging on the brain. (He has MRI evidence of new brain growth in elderly adults who participated in regular exercise.) So can you imagine what exercise does for kids? (Don’t tell the teenagers about the added libido effect.)

The obesity rates in the United States are alarming and have climbed dramatically in the last twenty years. One third of all adults in the United States are obese. Not overweight. Obese! As recently as 1986, only seven states had an adult obesity rate above 15%. Now all states are above 20%.

(Overweight is a Body Mass Index greater than 25. Obese is a BMI > 30. Check out the CDC data on obesity or CDC resources on interventions)

BMI = (Wt. in lbs.) x (703) / (Ht. in inches)

Seventeen percent of all children (ages 2-19) in the U.S. are obese.

Yet, if you have attended graduation ceremonies for the University of Illinois Laboratory High School, you will have seen no obese teenagers. Why is that? These graduating seniors could thank (or curse) Sally Walker for this. As Director of Physical Education at Uni High, Sally initiated a fitness program that includes every student, every day, for the entirety of their five years at the school. During the week, classes alternate between aerobic workouts and weight training. To get credit for the day’s class, a student must maintain his or her heart rate within their target zone for at least twenty minutes, now recorded by the monitors they wear. First semester of their (“Subbie”) first year, there is plenty of grumbling and feeble attempts to beat the system. But soon thereafter, everyone is on board, because it is a clear expectation for everyone and it has long been an accepted part of the school culture.

Fitness at this school comes in many forms and not just by decree. Beginning the second year, during the season in which they compete, members of the school’s athletic teams are exempt from Fitness Class. With a no-cut policy for all sports teams, Uni has a high percentage of student-athletes. Sally, who still launches the fitness program with the “Subbies”, told me that a number of alums have emailed her saying, “you may find this hard to believe, but I just finished my first 1/2 or full marathon”.

Here’s how Sally described the program to me recently in an email,

We started this program in 1986, my 3rd year at Uni. It was started when we observed the declining level of fitness of our incoming Subbies, and as a lab school we felt obligated to address it. Our program has evolved over the years, adapting to the current trends and needs of our students. The one constant has been the end of year requirement for each student to complete a 5K. Amazingly, our students always impress us with their accomplishments. For some just completing the race is a huge milestone, while for others, a PR (personal record), class record or school record is their goal. Whatever the case, we remain committed to this requirement, especially when we see the smiles of satisfaction on the faces of the subbies who just months ago were sure there was no way they could ever run that far! We also see growth from year to year as some students take time to buy in, but then when they do the change is sometimes dramatic. Weight loss, gain of self-esteem, whatever, it remains the best thing about teaching!

Over the past two decades, Phil Lawler, a physical education instructor in Naperville, Illinois, has developed a fitness program that now encompasses all 19,000 students in the school district. His work is well documented in John Ratley’s book, Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise And The Brain. Naperville students rank among the best in the world in areas such as math and science. There are many who would argue that the fitness program is a major contributor to the high levels of (math and science) achievement shown by Naperville students relative to comparable socio-economic status (SES) school districts.

The Uni High and Naperville programs share several important factors. Both focus on effort (or growth), rather than meeting normative standards. In other words, their goal is for constant growth in each child; (as Sally’s words suggest) a mindset they take with them even after graduating. These programs are thus minimizing the discouraging effects of between-child comparisons and emphasizing (where kids strive to make improvements in what they have previously accomplished). An appropriate level of effort for each child is objectively established by measuring their heart rate.

______________________

Just like Sally was able to make exercise a universally accepted part of the routine at Uni High, parents can do the same at home. The younger the child, the easier it is, because they want to be just like Mom and Dad. If you exercise regularly, they will want to join you. One of the best gifts we can give our kids, as well as ourselves, is the habit of daily exercise, beginning at a young age. Parental modeling is the most powerful form of influencing children’s behavior.

________________________

Although apathy and low energy often characterize people suffering from mild depression, those who can find a way to begin exercising invariably find some immediate improvement in their depressive symptoms.

________________________

See Tomporowski, Davis, Miller and Naglieri, Exercise and Children’s Intelligence, Cognition and Academic Achievement, for a thorough literature review of the research on the benefits of exercise.

For a simple but compelling summary of the cognitive benefits of exercise, see the first chapter of John Medina’s Brain Rules .

Robert Brooks’ article, Physical Exercise in School: Fitness for Both Body and Mind is just one of a series of excellent essays he has written every month over the past decade about raising healthy children. These essays can be accessed at http://www.drrobertbrooks.com/writings/index.html.

Dr. Brooks is also the author of 14 books on children, including two of my favorites: Raising Resilient Children and Raising a Self-Disciplined Child.

Grade school children who participate in daily aerobic activities have fewer disciplinary problems

¹ From American Psychologist article on exercise.

It’s the relationship, …!

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Children who enter school with attachment problems are less likely to engage in school. They cannot trust adults to care or be dependable, are less likely to value or respect their relationships with teachers, and eventually become detached and cease to care. Which means they are less responsive to teacher influences and more likely to harm others. Consequently, they fail to value or pursue the achievement goals or the character traits schools seek to promote. Therefore, an early focus on creating and maintaining secure attachments must be the school’s highest priority.

The essential role of attachment in school success.

I will bet you $10 that I can walk into any 3rd grade class in Chicago, Baltimore, or Washington DC and pick four boys, three of whom will serve time in prison before age 30.

Easy bet to cover, you say, given the rates of crime in the inner city? Of all kids who start school in Baltimore, 50% don’t graduate and 60% of dropouts do prison time. Ok, that means a blind man will be right 30% of the time picking boys at random. But I am guaranteeing to be 75% correct. Where am I going to get the other 45% when I know nothing about family history of drug use or criminal involvement? That would certainly aid in my selection, but I don’t even need to know those facts to pick my four leading candidates.

Witnessing delinquent behavior would be a good predictor? If I saw one of the kids in the act of stealing while the teacher’s back was turned, that would certainly get my attention and likely my vote. But I am not assuming there are any thefts while I am watching. So how will I spot them?

Let’s pick a normal class activity. The teacher is reading a story to the class. The boys who are paying close attention and raising their hands to volunteer ideas about what will happen next in the story are clearly ruled out. They seem interested, curious, and engaged and that does not bode well for dropping out of school and becoming involved in crime. Now there’s a possible candidate. He’s got a couple of straws that he’s linked together and he’s getting the kid next to him to swat at the imagined bug in his hair. Now that’s a little delinquent for you.

Ooops, he just got busted. The teacher just gave him the briefest look and … he flunked my preliminary assessment. The boy obviously cares what his teacher thinks and the fact that he was doing something that disappointed her. And, to seal the deal, he stopped doing it after she gave him her attention.

So who are my candidates? They are the four disengaged boys. Disengaged from the story, but more importantly, from the teacher. She is reading a book about a lion cub who is lost and is going from one animal to the next asking, “Are you my mother?”. This reading to the class is not only for enjoyment, but to let them hear the story before they read the book themselves.

Some of the kids are worried about the cub not finding his mother. Others laugh at the cub for asking an obviously different looking animal if she is his mother. The teacher asks the students questions, such as, “How do you know that this animal is not his mother?” or “Where do you think he should look next?”.

The four boys show no interest in the story nor are they intrigued by her questions. Many inner city kids lack the background knowledge to appreciate hearing stories or being able to comprehend what they are trying to read. These boys have probably never been to the zoo and probably could not tell you what distinguished an elephant or a zebra. But lack of background knowledge is one of the reasons the teacher is reading this particular book and stopping to explain and explore along the way. She has the attention of most of the other kids, many of whom have not been to a zoo either.

My four targeted boys are not only disengaged, they are detached. Second and third grade kids care about their relationships with their teacher. A few may worry that their teacher doesn’t like them or that she is too strict, but they care what she thinks and most importantly, what she thinks of them. These four boys do not care. One has his head down, looking tired. Another is scratching an ever increasing slit in the floor with a paper clip. The other two are about to come to blows’, fighting over who was entitled to sit on the rug instead of the cold floor. The teacher looks don’t even catch their attention. Her warning of punishment if they continue also fails to stop the jabs and arm-twisting. These boys will not stop unless they are physically restrained, obviously undeterred by verbal warnings. None of these boys seems to care. Most likely they could tell us the rules for behavior in the classroom, but they do not care. A number of the kids needed prompts about their behavior but they were responsive to her limit setting.

The central characteristic that distinguishes these four boys from their classmates is their detachment from the teacher. They no longer care about having a relationship with this adult. They do not care about school or the people who run it because they have no reason to invest in relationships with these adults. Their experience has taught them not to trust in relationships. These boys arrived at school with a much greater deficit than lack of educational enrichment. They arrived with a deficit in their ability to attach. Unless this problem with attachment is addressed, their detachment from school will increase to the point they drop out or are thrown out or simply ignored, as two of the boys already seem to be in this classroom.

The ability to relate to others and the desire to relate to others, these are fundamental building blocks that must precede all else. Many of us take a mother’s love and reliability for granted, so the experience of these four boys is completely foreign to us. A child will not value what his teacher values, if he does not value the relationship first.

Not feeling cared for and eventually not caring about others is a recipe for someone who commits crimes without caring about his victims, who only stops when he is physically forced to stop.

Until the issue of attachment is addressed, engagement with school will be a losing battle. Disinterest in school and what teachers have to offer; and disrespect and defiance will increasingly characterize their behavior. In the process, these children will become even less likeable and “manageable”. Their interactions with teachers will only reinforce previously held perceptions of what the other (teacher or student) is like.

Having to start fresh with a new teacher every year. Having to take a three-month break in his relationships with school and the people who do care. This is the structure that only reinforces their problems with attachment and assures that relationships will be lost or undermined.

If a child comes to school with an attachment history characterized by loss, abandonment or neglect, then a focus on creating and maintaining a healthy attachment between teacher and child should be the top priority. That means matching the child with a teacher with whom he can stay connected for years, not months. Within the context of a successful attachment, investment in school and learning can take place. With children like these, assigning teachers according to subject matter or grade level specialization needs to take a back seat to a focus on creating and maintaining a healthy attachment between teacher and child.**

Attachment 101

Everything begins and ends with Attachment. A secure attachment to a parent sets the stage for forming satisfying relationships in life. It allows the child to explore and learn, knowing he has a safe base to return to when needed. This child enters school capable of loving his teacher, wanting to please her, and learning what she has to teach. At the other extreme is the child who cannot trust that an adult loves him and will dependably be there for him. No one has fanned the flame of his genuine interests. By third grade, that child will not care about what his teacher wants him to learn, because he has detached. He has no desire to please his teacher. And his behavior makes it hard for his teacher to truly care about him.

Every child longs for a connection to someone. But for some kids it is hard to trust that someone cares or will stay. Curiosity and learning take a back seat to finding and holding on to a relationship. The anxious clinging child is unwilling to venture out and explore. The detached child who has given up on connections will care little about what his teacher wants him to learn.

Ideally a child’s motivation to learn in school arises from his natural curiosity. But much of that desire also comes from his wish to please his teacher or imitate his teacher.

Grade school begins when the child is five. He spends nine months with a teacher, takes three months off, and then starts another school year with another new teacher. A securely attached child will adjust to these changes in relationships, tolerating the mismatches and cherishing the best ones. But the child who lacks that secure base will struggle to settle in and trust and then will face a series of losses that will make it hard for him to trust and commit – let alone learn.

It’s the relationship, ________! No learning is going to get done if the child does not feel cared for and secure. Attachment is a precondition for learning. A school that ignores that will have children who are either behavior problems or absent, because they will not care. They don’t trust that anyone cares about them.

When a child, even an adolescent, believes that a teacher genuinely cares about him, he will listen.

Investment in learning depends upon wanting a goal and believing it is attainable.

** Before you pay me the $10, you might want to ask, “Aren’t some students of color inappropriately labeled because their (often white) teachers do not know how to communicate well outside their culture?”. If you are really reluctant to part with your money, then you might follow on with, “A bad teacher can make well adjusted students seem detached.”

Since I will not want to leave without your money, I would respond with, “You are right. We should not make a judgment about a child based on one classroom, one teacher, or one assessment. These boys deserve to be observed in a different setting with a different teacher and assessed by different means (that are tested and valid). We should employ a multi-modal, multi-method approach to determine whether there is convergent validity for my classroom hypothesis.”

Have I left you feeling hopeless about the plight of these kids? These third grade boys may be reluctant to trust, but they are not unreachable. They still care what adults think of them – at least somewhere in their lives. Those who work with them will need to keep the development of trust and Attachment as the center pieces of all their efforts, however.

Key words: grade school education; attachment; motivation to learn; curiosity; engagement; relationship; relatedness

Don’t Eat The Marshmallow!

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Delay of gratification, willpower, impulse control, self-control, or internal discipline are terms that describe an ability to wait to be rewarded. Although some children are temperamentally less impulsive, the ability to self-soothe, distract, or reason about an urge to act can be learned and improved. The ability to delay gratification (develop internal discipline) is an important ingredient for gaining competence in all areas of a child’s life (socially, emotionally and intellectually).

An Ability to Delay Gratification Predicts Success in Life

 Are you familiar with the classic delay of gratification studies conducted by Walter Mischel at Stanford in the late 1960′s and early 1970′s? The what? Have you seen the YouTube video of four-year-olds trying to resist eating the marshmallow in front of them? If I had asked you, have you ever heard of the MarshmallowTest, you would have known exactly what I was talking about. Give it up for YouTube, where gratification need never be delayed. I still have not jogged your memory? Then go to YouTube right now for a reenactment of the classic study, where four-year-old children are left alone in a room with a marshmallow (or a cookie, or candy) with the promise of a second marshmallow if they do not eat this one before the experimenter returns (in 15 minutes). Only thirty percent of the children were able to wait. Not surprising, is it?

Mischel discovered that by the end of high school, the kids who were able to wait seemed better adjusted psychologically and were higher achievers, with significantly higher SAT scores (>200 pts higher) and better grades. Those who could not wait more than thirty seconds had trouble paying attention in school, coping with stress, and maintaining friendships. More recently, Angela Lee Duckworth at the University of Pennsylvania offered eighth graders one dollar now or two if they could wait a week. Those who could wait fared much better academically. In fact, this measure of self-control was a better predictor of academic achievement than IQ.

As you might guess, these kids who can delay gratification grow up to be the ones who invest for retirement, wait for the best pitch to hit, and don’t say, “yes” to the first bad idea. They are able to wait to play their video games until after the homework is done.

So, are these delayers born with something special? Are their brains wired differently from birth? Are some kids just naturally more impulsive while others are more cautious and deliberate? You can be sure that the fMRI machines are cranking away in search of these answers. We can also be certain that a search for a genetic linkage will also be part of the next wave of research.

So what does that mean for us sticky fingered failures? Are we doomed to a second-class future, swinging at everything we are thrown, eating everything we see? Interestingly, Mischel found that he could provide children with techniques for resisting temptation. He said kids who continue to focus on the “hot stimulus” were doomed. But the ones who could distract themselves, were able to resist. Providing kids with techniques for taking their thoughts elsewhere, or transforming the meaning of the situation could be very helpful. In other words, self-control can be taught. Mischel also pointed out that a group of the kids who “failed to wait” grew up to be quite skilled in self-control as adults. Somehow, they found ways to teach themselves the self-regulation that came more naturally to the “delayers”.

Children are temperamentally inclined in one direction or another. At one extreme are the kids who are impulsive and labeled as Attention Deficit, Hyperactive. At the other extreme are the kids who come to be labeled as Obsessive Compulsive. Most kids are somewhere in between. Even though biology or temperament inclines a child in one direction or another, that does not mean they cannot grow in terms of self-control (or spontaneity).

Environments can be structured to help with focus and attention. Children can be taught techniques for self-control and self-soothing. Mischel explained that children can be taught habits of self-control in the family through rituals that force kids to wait on a daily basis, showing them that they can develop that self-control, and having them learn the benefits for that delay. Examples of that are limits such as no television or video games until homework is done, no snacks before dinner, save money for a desired purchase and wait until your birthday for a wished for gift. When children must work within limits (a clothing allowance for instance) they learn the benefits of self-control and the hazards of impulsivity.

The Magic Formula

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Children are motivated when they genuinely want a goal and believe they can accomplish it. That is quite different than a goal we want for them or we think they can or should attain. Getting it right, in terms of the Magic Formula: INVESTMENT = (I WANT) x (I CAN), is essential to motivation at school or at home.

 

The Magic Formula: The Essentials of Motivation

 

January of my senior year of college, four of us headed for Florida “to work on our tennis games.” As part of that on court development, we ventured into a Jai Alai arena in Miami one evening. Unfamiliar with the sport and ignorant of its subtleties, I quickly became bored and prepared to leave. But soon after placing a two-dollar bet, my face was plastered against the protective viewing glass screaming, “Go Cuatro!” Anyone can see that after placing my bet, “I had skin in the game.” I went from passive and bored to an amped up fanatic. I share the experience because the difference in feeling was so dramatic, so visceral and so immediate. (It’s a little like filling out your NCAA basketball bracket in March and putting your $5 into the office pool.)

Red-faced and exhausted, you look across the kitchen table at your son and throw up your hands – unwilling to “go to the mat” with him one more time about finishing his homework. Now think, when it comes to finishing homework, “Who has the skin in the game?” As a parent, you are in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” position. You know for a fact that there is a world of difference in the outcomes of kids whose parents care and those who don’t. But at what price? You are their parent, not their friend. But you shouldn’t have to be the enemy in the process. Some days it feels like that, and you can see why many parents just let things slide. Parents do their own form of coasting. The child says, “I got it done at school” and accepting that excuse saves another evening of battling. Structure, limits and high expectations are essential. But motivation to do homework or work around the house should not just come from outside the child. There is a limit to how well that will work, and the older the child gets, the less well external sources of motivation work.

The secret to work at school, work at home, or work on the ball field is investment. If the child is not invested in the process, there are serious limits to what they can accomplish and how much they can be motivated. But, there is a magic formula for investment. Some might say, “Secret Formula” given the common absence of its application. It is simply:

(I want) x (I can) = Investment

If I have some skin in the game, if I truly want something, I am motivated to go after it. Equally as important is the belief that I can accomplish what I am after. When I want something and believe I am capable of achieving it, I’m invested. As a parent, a teacher, or a coach, we need to be on the correct side of this equation. If the child perceives the formula to read:

(You want) x (I can) = investment

the investment depends more on not wanting to disappoint the parent, coach or teacher and less on something internal for the child. Like I said, the older the child, the less this second formula works. Adults who rely on the second formula usually have a rude awakening when the investment evaporates with adolescence.

Before you focus on what they should do, you need to focus on what goal they truly seek – what will make them “want” to do what it takes to get to that goal.

So, before you get ready to do battle again, figure out how you help your child get some “skin in the game” and (want). Here’s a hint. Consider what the goal is and who is choosing it. If you have chosen it, then you have a lot of convincing to do to make the child want it as well. Here’s another hint: Start by listening (and being curious). If you start by joining them in their world, you have a good start at gradually pulling them into your world. Some kids accept the “because I said so” rationale. But if we are hoping for kids who think for themselves, our goals can quickly conflict on this course. It takes more work to find a course that includes a genuine (I want) on the part of the child, but the “because I said so” almost universally crashes and burns. And if it doesn’t, you have a whole set of different problems involving submission, accommodation, dependence, resentment, and depression waiting at the end of that developmental hallway. Or is that what we call, “normal adolescence”?