It’s the relationship, …!

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Children who enter school with attachment problems are less likely to engage in school. They cannot trust adults to care or be dependable, are less likely to value or respect their relationships with teachers, and eventually become detached and cease to care. Which means they are less responsive to teacher influences and more likely to harm others. Consequently, they fail to value or pursue the achievement goals or the character traits schools seek to promote. Therefore, an early focus on creating and maintaining secure attachments must be the school’s highest priority.

The essential role of attachment in school success.

I will bet you $10 that I can walk into any 3rd grade class in Chicago, Baltimore, or Washington DC and pick four boys, three of whom will serve time in prison before age 30.

Easy bet to cover, you say, given the rates of crime in the inner city? Of all kids who start school in Baltimore, 50% don’t graduate and 60% of dropouts do prison time. Ok, that means a blind man will be right 30% of the time picking boys at random. But I am guaranteeing to be 75% correct. Where am I going to get the other 45% when I know nothing about family history of drug use or criminal involvement? That would certainly aid in my selection, but I don’t even need to know those facts to pick my four leading candidates.

Witnessing delinquent behavior would be a good predictor? If I saw one of the kids in the act of stealing while the teacher’s back was turned, that would certainly get my attention and likely my vote. But I am not assuming there are any thefts while I am watching. So how will I spot them?

Let’s pick a normal class activity. The teacher is reading a story to the class. The boys who are paying close attention and raising their hands to volunteer ideas about what will happen next in the story are clearly ruled out. They seem interested, curious, and engaged and that does not bode well for dropping out of school and becoming involved in crime. Now there’s a possible candidate. He’s got a couple of straws that he’s linked together and he’s getting the kid next to him to swat at the imagined bug in his hair. Now that’s a little delinquent for you.

Ooops, he just got busted. The teacher just gave him the briefest look and … he flunked my preliminary assessment. The boy obviously cares what his teacher thinks and the fact that he was doing something that disappointed her. And, to seal the deal, he stopped doing it after she gave him her attention.

So who are my candidates? They are the four disengaged boys. Disengaged from the story, but more importantly, from the teacher. She is reading a book about a lion cub who is lost and is going from one animal to the next asking, “Are you my mother?”. This reading to the class is not only for enjoyment, but to let them hear the story before they read the book themselves.

Some of the kids are worried about the cub not finding his mother. Others laugh at the cub for asking an obviously different looking animal if she is his mother. The teacher asks the students questions, such as, “How do you know that this animal is not his mother?” or “Where do you think he should look next?”.

The four boys show no interest in the story nor are they intrigued by her questions. Many inner city kids lack the background knowledge to appreciate hearing stories or being able to comprehend what they are trying to read. These boys have probably never been to the zoo and probably could not tell you what distinguished an elephant or a zebra. But lack of background knowledge is one of the reasons the teacher is reading this particular book and stopping to explain and explore along the way. She has the attention of most of the other kids, many of whom have not been to a zoo either.

My four targeted boys are not only disengaged, they are detached. Second and third grade kids care about their relationships with their teacher. A few may worry that their teacher doesn’t like them or that she is too strict, but they care what she thinks and most importantly, what she thinks of them. These four boys do not care. One has his head down, looking tired. Another is scratching an ever increasing slit in the floor with a paper clip. The other two are about to come to blows’, fighting over who was entitled to sit on the rug instead of the cold floor. The teacher looks don’t even catch their attention. Her warning of punishment if they continue also fails to stop the jabs and arm-twisting. These boys will not stop unless they are physically restrained, obviously undeterred by verbal warnings. None of these boys seems to care. Most likely they could tell us the rules for behavior in the classroom, but they do not care. A number of the kids needed prompts about their behavior but they were responsive to her limit setting.

The central characteristic that distinguishes these four boys from their classmates is their detachment from the teacher. They no longer care about having a relationship with this adult. They do not care about school or the people who run it because they have no reason to invest in relationships with these adults. Their experience has taught them not to trust in relationships. These boys arrived at school with a much greater deficit than lack of educational enrichment. They arrived with a deficit in their ability to attach. Unless this problem with attachment is addressed, their detachment from school will increase to the point they drop out or are thrown out or simply ignored, as two of the boys already seem to be in this classroom.

The ability to relate to others and the desire to relate to others, these are fundamental building blocks that must precede all else. Many of us take a mother’s love and reliability for granted, so the experience of these four boys is completely foreign to us. A child will not value what his teacher values, if he does not value the relationship first.

Not feeling cared for and eventually not caring about others is a recipe for someone who commits crimes without caring about his victims, who only stops when he is physically forced to stop.

Until the issue of attachment is addressed, engagement with school will be a losing battle. Disinterest in school and what teachers have to offer; and disrespect and defiance will increasingly characterize their behavior. In the process, these children will become even less likeable and “manageable”. Their interactions with teachers will only reinforce previously held perceptions of what the other (teacher or student) is like.

Having to start fresh with a new teacher every year. Having to take a three-month break in his relationships with school and the people who do care. This is the structure that only reinforces their problems with attachment and assures that relationships will be lost or undermined.

If a child comes to school with an attachment history characterized by loss, abandonment or neglect, then a focus on creating and maintaining a healthy attachment between teacher and child should be the top priority. That means matching the child with a teacher with whom he can stay connected for years, not months. Within the context of a successful attachment, investment in school and learning can take place. With children like these, assigning teachers according to subject matter or grade level specialization needs to take a back seat to a focus on creating and maintaining a healthy attachment between teacher and child.**

Attachment 101

Everything begins and ends with Attachment. A secure attachment to a parent sets the stage for forming satisfying relationships in life. It allows the child to explore and learn, knowing he has a safe base to return to when needed. This child enters school capable of loving his teacher, wanting to please her, and learning what she has to teach. At the other extreme is the child who cannot trust that an adult loves him and will dependably be there for him. No one has fanned the flame of his genuine interests. By third grade, that child will not care about what his teacher wants him to learn, because he has detached. He has no desire to please his teacher. And his behavior makes it hard for his teacher to truly care about him.

Every child longs for a connection to someone. But for some kids it is hard to trust that someone cares or will stay. Curiosity and learning take a back seat to finding and holding on to a relationship. The anxious clinging child is unwilling to venture out and explore. The detached child who has given up on connections will care little about what his teacher wants him to learn.

Ideally a child’s motivation to learn in school arises from his natural curiosity. But much of that desire also comes from his wish to please his teacher or imitate his teacher.

Grade school begins when the child is five. He spends nine months with a teacher, takes three months off, and then starts another school year with another new teacher. A securely attached child will adjust to these changes in relationships, tolerating the mismatches and cherishing the best ones. But the child who lacks that secure base will struggle to settle in and trust and then will face a series of losses that will make it hard for him to trust and commit – let alone learn.

It’s the relationship, ________! No learning is going to get done if the child does not feel cared for and secure. Attachment is a precondition for learning. A school that ignores that will have children who are either behavior problems or absent, because they will not care. They don’t trust that anyone cares about them.

When a child, even an adolescent, believes that a teacher genuinely cares about him, he will listen.

Investment in learning depends upon wanting a goal and believing it is attainable.

** Before you pay me the $10, you might want to ask, “Aren’t some students of color inappropriately labeled because their (often white) teachers do not know how to communicate well outside their culture?”. If you are really reluctant to part with your money, then you might follow on with, “A bad teacher can make well adjusted students seem detached.”

Since I will not want to leave without your money, I would respond with, “You are right. We should not make a judgment about a child based on one classroom, one teacher, or one assessment. These boys deserve to be observed in a different setting with a different teacher and assessed by different means (that are tested and valid). We should employ a multi-modal, multi-method approach to determine whether there is convergent validity for my classroom hypothesis.”

Have I left you feeling hopeless about the plight of these kids? These third grade boys may be reluctant to trust, but they are not unreachable. They still care what adults think of them – at least somewhere in their lives. Those who work with them will need to keep the development of trust and Attachment as the center pieces of all their efforts, however.

Key words: grade school education; attachment; motivation to learn; curiosity; engagement; relationship; relatedness

Falling in love with failing

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Fostering openness to learning and growth

Taking on challenges, struggling, failing, analyzing mistakes, and reengaging is the route to growth, competence and self-esteem. Therefore children must learn to tolerate this process, including the failures. False praise and unrealistic labels create a focus on judgment that undermines a child’s willingness to risk failures.

Striking out in baseball is a mini failure and to some of us, quite painful. So how can I avoid this pain? If I don’t go up to bat, I will never strike out and therefore, never have to feel the pain of humiliation and frustration.Or … I can only hit against pitchers I am sure I can handle – therefore staying free of another dreaded strikeout. Two elegant solutions if I don’t say so. There is only one problem, however, with this elegant plan. If I never bat against challenging pitching, I will never improve. I have to meet the challenge of better pitching so that I can master it and grow.

The act of striking out represents engagement in a challenging zone I have yet to master. If I want to get better, I need to risk striking out. In fact, if I analyze why I missed the pitch, I will get better – whether that analysis takes place behind a video screen or at bat having missed the first two strikes. This is a longwinded way of saying that to become a good baseball player, I must learn to tolerate failures, because they become the sources of learning.

So how do we convince our children that they need to welcome failure as a means of learning and growing? Listen to this praise from a proud baseball dad:

“You are such a good hitter.”

“Wow, you are so good. You hit the ball every time.”

“Three hits today! What a great hitter you are!”

What do you think of the praise Dad has handed out? He’s pretty proud of his son, isn’t he? Does anything worry you about what you just heard?

This is a loving, well-intentioned father. He believes he is heaping well-deserved praise on his son. What he is also heaping on his son is some unnecessary pressure. He has labeled him a “good hitter”, even a “great hitter”. That is a tough standard to live up to. There is added pressure if the child thinks Dad’s interest and caring is dependent upon continuing to be “good” or “great”. Unfortunately, Dad has also attached an unintended standard for what it means to be good or great. He observed, “You hit the ball every time” and “(You got) three hits today” in the process of labeling his son “good” and “great”. So what happens if the boy goes 0 for 4 in the next game? What if he strikes out more often than he gets hits? Is his status as “good” or “great” at risk? Will he worry about disappointing his dad? Will he view himself as a failure?

What do you think of these comments?

After striking out to end the game, his father consoles him,

“Don’t worry. You played great.”

“You guys will win next time.”

So what is a boy to make of that? He certainly knows that striking out is not playing “great”. And what if they don’t win next time? Now do you understand why a kid would only want to go to bat against easy competition? That would certainly eliminate this confusion and potential for disappointment. Or, how about this as a solution? Blame the umpire for a bad third strike call. And find a good excuse why the other team won, such as cheating or unfair home field advantage. These are “great” ideas because they allow the child to preserve the label or expectation that he is “special” or “great”, as his dad called him, and can go on playing.

Can you think what would have been more helpful?

“So, how was it?”

“What did you think of that pitcher today?”

“Did you have fun?” “Why not?” “Is that something you want to work on?”

If this boy is to grow as a ball player and not let the game get the best of him, he needs to tolerate losses and failures, like striking out. He also needs to know that failures or attempts are how he gets better. Perhaps they need to be labeled something other than failures. Something like trials or attempts? Linking trials with analysis, learning and improvement is the preferable route rather than linking success and failure with ratings of the person. Judgment is ultimately what steers boys away from activities such as sports, academics or talking to girls. Sometimes avoidance and a good set of excuses are better than multiple wounds to lick and explain.

Perhaps the best way to promote this openness to failure and learning is for the father or coach to model it himself. When the child sees that the adult welcomes and learns from failures, it clearly becomes something acceptable for the child as well.

Key words: tolerating failure; failure as learning; resilience; labeling;

Our assumptions about natural ability and the capacity for change profoundly affect our approaches for working with children. Mindset by Carol Dweck is a must read for all teachers and parents. After reading the first chapter your “mindset” will be forever altered. You will begin to quickly recognize teaching strategies and parenting approaches as growth promoting or fixed and limiting.

Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement Address eloquently describes how he turned the three greatest “failures” in his life into sources of creativity and growth.

Don’t Eat The Marshmallow!

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Delay of gratification, willpower, impulse control, self-control, or internal discipline are terms that describe an ability to wait to be rewarded. Although some children are temperamentally less impulsive, the ability to self-soothe, distract, or reason about an urge to act can be learned and improved. The ability to delay gratification (develop internal discipline) is an important ingredient for gaining competence in all areas of a child’s life (socially, emotionally and intellectually).

An Ability to Delay Gratification Predicts Success in Life

 Are you familiar with the classic delay of gratification studies conducted by Walter Mischel at Stanford in the late 1960′s and early 1970′s? The what? Have you seen the YouTube video of four-year-olds trying to resist eating the marshmallow in front of them? If I had asked you, have you ever heard of the MarshmallowTest, you would have known exactly what I was talking about. Give it up for YouTube, where gratification need never be delayed. I still have not jogged your memory? Then go to YouTube right now for a reenactment of the classic study, where four-year-old children are left alone in a room with a marshmallow (or a cookie, or candy) with the promise of a second marshmallow if they do not eat this one before the experimenter returns (in 15 minutes). Only thirty percent of the children were able to wait. Not surprising, is it?

Mischel discovered that by the end of high school, the kids who were able to wait seemed better adjusted psychologically and were higher achievers, with significantly higher SAT scores (>200 pts higher) and better grades. Those who could not wait more than thirty seconds had trouble paying attention in school, coping with stress, and maintaining friendships. More recently, Angela Lee Duckworth at the University of Pennsylvania offered eighth graders one dollar now or two if they could wait a week. Those who could wait fared much better academically. In fact, this measure of self-control was a better predictor of academic achievement than IQ.

As you might guess, these kids who can delay gratification grow up to be the ones who invest for retirement, wait for the best pitch to hit, and don’t say, “yes” to the first bad idea. They are able to wait to play their video games until after the homework is done.

So, are these delayers born with something special? Are their brains wired differently from birth? Are some kids just naturally more impulsive while others are more cautious and deliberate? You can be sure that the fMRI machines are cranking away in search of these answers. We can also be certain that a search for a genetic linkage will also be part of the next wave of research.

So what does that mean for us sticky fingered failures? Are we doomed to a second-class future, swinging at everything we are thrown, eating everything we see? Interestingly, Mischel found that he could provide children with techniques for resisting temptation. He said kids who continue to focus on the “hot stimulus” were doomed. But the ones who could distract themselves, were able to resist. Providing kids with techniques for taking their thoughts elsewhere, or transforming the meaning of the situation could be very helpful. In other words, self-control can be taught. Mischel also pointed out that a group of the kids who “failed to wait” grew up to be quite skilled in self-control as adults. Somehow, they found ways to teach themselves the self-regulation that came more naturally to the “delayers”.

Children are temperamentally inclined in one direction or another. At one extreme are the kids who are impulsive and labeled as Attention Deficit, Hyperactive. At the other extreme are the kids who come to be labeled as Obsessive Compulsive. Most kids are somewhere in between. Even though biology or temperament inclines a child in one direction or another, that does not mean they cannot grow in terms of self-control (or spontaneity).

Environments can be structured to help with focus and attention. Children can be taught techniques for self-control and self-soothing. Mischel explained that children can be taught habits of self-control in the family through rituals that force kids to wait on a daily basis, showing them that they can develop that self-control, and having them learn the benefits for that delay. Examples of that are limits such as no television or video games until homework is done, no snacks before dinner, save money for a desired purchase and wait until your birthday for a wished for gift. When children must work within limits (a clothing allowance for instance) they learn the benefits of self-control and the hazards of impulsivity.

The Magic Formula

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Children are motivated when they genuinely want a goal and believe they can accomplish it. That is quite different than a goal we want for them or we think they can or should attain. Getting it right, in terms of the Magic Formula: INVESTMENT = (I WANT) x (I CAN), is essential to motivation at school or at home.

 

The Magic Formula: The Essentials of Motivation

 

January of my senior year of college, four of us headed for Florida “to work on our tennis games.” As part of that on court development, we ventured into a Jai Alai arena in Miami one evening. Unfamiliar with the sport and ignorant of its subtleties, I quickly became bored and prepared to leave. But soon after placing a two-dollar bet, my face was plastered against the protective viewing glass screaming, “Go Cuatro!” Anyone can see that after placing my bet, “I had skin in the game.” I went from passive and bored to an amped up fanatic. I share the experience because the difference in feeling was so dramatic, so visceral and so immediate. (It’s a little like filling out your NCAA basketball bracket in March and putting your $5 into the office pool.)

Red-faced and exhausted, you look across the kitchen table at your son and throw up your hands – unwilling to “go to the mat” with him one more time about finishing his homework. Now think, when it comes to finishing homework, “Who has the skin in the game?” As a parent, you are in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” position. You know for a fact that there is a world of difference in the outcomes of kids whose parents care and those who don’t. But at what price? You are their parent, not their friend. But you shouldn’t have to be the enemy in the process. Some days it feels like that, and you can see why many parents just let things slide. Parents do their own form of coasting. The child says, “I got it done at school” and accepting that excuse saves another evening of battling. Structure, limits and high expectations are essential. But motivation to do homework or work around the house should not just come from outside the child. There is a limit to how well that will work, and the older the child gets, the less well external sources of motivation work.

The secret to work at school, work at home, or work on the ball field is investment. If the child is not invested in the process, there are serious limits to what they can accomplish and how much they can be motivated. But, there is a magic formula for investment. Some might say, “Secret Formula” given the common absence of its application. It is simply:

(I want) x (I can) = Investment

If I have some skin in the game, if I truly want something, I am motivated to go after it. Equally as important is the belief that I can accomplish what I am after. When I want something and believe I am capable of achieving it, I’m invested. As a parent, a teacher, or a coach, we need to be on the correct side of this equation. If the child perceives the formula to read:

(You want) x (I can) = investment

the investment depends more on not wanting to disappoint the parent, coach or teacher and less on something internal for the child. Like I said, the older the child, the less this second formula works. Adults who rely on the second formula usually have a rude awakening when the investment evaporates with adolescence.

Before you focus on what they should do, you need to focus on what goal they truly seek – what will make them “want” to do what it takes to get to that goal.

So, before you get ready to do battle again, figure out how you help your child get some “skin in the game” and (want). Here’s a hint. Consider what the goal is and who is choosing it. If you have chosen it, then you have a lot of convincing to do to make the child want it as well. Here’s another hint: Start by listening (and being curious). If you start by joining them in their world, you have a good start at gradually pulling them into your world. Some kids accept the “because I said so” rationale. But if we are hoping for kids who think for themselves, our goals can quickly conflict on this course. It takes more work to find a course that includes a genuine (I want) on the part of the child, but the “because I said so” almost universally crashes and burns. And if it doesn’t, you have a whole set of different problems involving submission, accommodation, dependence, resentment, and depression waiting at the end of that developmental hallway. Or is that what we call, “normal adolescence”?

The Goldilocks Principle

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Working within a Zone of Proximal Development promotes growth. ZPD is defined by the zone (tasks or expectations) just beyond what a child can do independently, yet short of what would be overwhelming, even with help. With the help of instruction and/or support (scaffolding) a child can take on new challenges. That scaffolding is gradually withdrawn as the skill is mastered, and the zone is adjusted upwards.

 

The Goldilocks Principle

ZPD – Where we learn best

Remember the story of Goldilocks? Of course. Do you remember Vygotsky and the Zone of Proximal Development? Maybe not? Let’s finally put Goldilocks to some good use. Of all people, “Why Goldilocks?” you ask? I’m finding value in that totally self-absorbed, overly entitled, seriously unsupervised little brat? Hear me out. We may get some actual work out of Goldi yet. By linking ZPD and Goldilocks, perhaps the former will be easier to access and the latter will be easier to tolerate.

As you recall, after breaking and entering, Goldilocks began her comfort seeking. “Not too hard, not too soft, just right.” … “Not too hot, not too cold, just right.” You remember the basic theme. Actually that theme is an important one to remember. In fact, let’s call it a principle. The Goldilocks’ Principle: Not too ____, Not too _____, Just right? That’s much easier than calling it the Zone of Proximal Development, which is an essential part of any toolkit for parents, teachers, and coaches.

In its simplest form, ZPD means that children learn best when the work is not too hard, nor too easy, but just right. Vygotsky actually made it a little more sophisticated than a mere paraphrasing of Goldilocks. He said that the Zone of Proximal Development is defined at the lower limit by what children are capable of doing independently, with no help. The upper limit is bounded by what children are not yet capable of doing, even with the help of an adult. Bored vs. Overwhelmed for those of you who want to keep it as simple as it should be. Within the ZPD, children are capable of more challenging work if they have the assistance of an adult. In other words, they are challenged, but they have the necessary support to take it on. Operating within the ZPD means that as they begin to master the work, the amount of necessary support is reduced and the ZPD is adjusted upwards.

 

Goldilocks Principle (GP) = Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD)
Goldilocks Principle (GP) Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD) What My Mother Calls “Common Sense”
“Too Hot” Cannot do, even with help Overwhelmed
“Just Right” Zone of Proximal Development Challenged    (w/ support)
“Too Cold” Can do independently Bored

The support that allows the child to take on the more challenging work is often called scaffolding, as in the structure used to support workmen while constructing a building. In this case, the scaffolding (in the form of demonstrations, corrective feedback, support or encouragement) is withdrawn as the child attains mastery of the skill and no longer needs the support. Children need high expectations, but they also need the structure and support to make those expectations attainable.

Another good way to remember the workings of ZPD and scaffolding is to visualize a child learning to rock climb. With the aid of a harness, belaying rope and coach, the child can take on the challenge of climbing, trust that he will be safe when he falls, learn from his mistakes, and constantly improve. Without the belaying, most kids stay close to the ground, while the others put the orthopedist’s children through college.

(in terms of BIG IDEAS in Child Development, they don’t get any bigger than Vygotsky’s ZPD)