The Truth Behind the Tortoise and Hare Incident

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A focus on winning and losing, comparing children with each other, or grading students’ work is a prescription for children becoming frustrated, humiliated, and ultimately choosing to avoid, rather than engage. A within-child focus promotes sustained engagement with challenges, continued growth, increased competence, and ultimately greater self-esteem.

 

The Risk of Between-Child Comparisons

 

What was he thinking?! Challenging the Hare to a race? Was he out of his mind? Did he have a special scouting report on the Hare? Or maybe a HARE Personality Profile? No, the truth is this. The Tortoise was fed up with being ignored, rejected and ridiculed by the other animals for being so slow compared to everyone else. He had been cut from the cross-country team and was actively shunned on the playground where, instead of being picked last – he simply was not picked. Out of sheer frustration and a wish for a little attention, even if it risked humiliation, he boldly challenged the Hare, in front of everyone in the school cafeteria, to a race the following day (after lunch). Did he know that the Hare would need a nap after lunch? No, this was just a desperate cry for attention.

We all know the outcome. Well ahead of the Tortoise, the Hare settled in for a short nap, only to awaken too late to catch the plodding Tortoise. Is there a lesson to be learned? Don’t believe what you have been told about “slow and steady wins the race.” What kid, what school, what parent values slow?

The following day the humiliated Hare challenged the Tortoise to another race. When he refused, the Hare began taunting the Tortoise mercilessly, making his life miserable. “You are so slow, recess is over by the time you reach the playground.” Thus the Tortoise went from being ignored to being bullied.

The Hare was popular at school because he was the fastest. He was first to be picked for sports, games of tag, and delivering notes for the teacher. His status came from how he compared to others. As the fastest at Riverside Grade School, he maintained that status easily. However, when he moved to Countryside Middle School, things changed. In fact, at CMS, he wasn’t even the fastest rabbit.

Kids will always compare themselves with others. But we do not need to take a potentially harmful process and make it worse. Tortoise was shunned for being slow. He was cut from the cross-country team for being slow. But in a school that emphasizes within-child comparisons, Tortoise could have been included on the cross-country team and he could have competed each race in an attempt to better his own personal best time. Hare arrived at middle school without having been adequately challenged. He only worked hard enough to be better than the others, which at Riverside was not that difficult. He too could have benefited from competing with himself, attempting to improve with each race.

This kind of structure puts emphasis on Mastery rather than winning or relative comparisons. Within this healthier system, Tortoise got to hang out with the CC team, dropped five hours off his CC time, and entered middle school looking really fit and happy. Hare arrived at middle school with enough internal discipline that he was not blown away by the challenges of fitting in and feeling adequate where everyone was bigger, stronger and faster, having been chased daily by the farmer’s dogs.

A within-child focus promotes self-esteem and internal discipline because it emphasizes growth as a function of effort and values Mastery instead of winning. In a system that values winning, the vast majority of us are losers. Who persists at something where they are losing in comparison with others? Am I bad at math because I cannot solve problems as fast as other kids? Or is eventual mastery of the material what counts?

I called ‘shotgun’!

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Whenever possible, make external processes internal. In this example, instead of resolving a conflict between her sons, Ann acknowledged their perspectives and how they were feeling. Then she restated the problem to be solved and left them to figure it out for themselves. Whenever possible, conflict and its solution should remain with the child.

 

Leave the conflict (and its solution) where it belongs – in the kid.

 

“Owww! Stop!

“Get out!”, yelled Seth.

“No! I was here first,” whined his little brother, Timmy.

“I called ‘shotgun’.”

“After I was getting in the seat.”

“Doesn’t matter. I called it. Get out!”

“Owwww! You’re hurting me! Mommy!”

“Mommy, I called ‘shotgun’ and Timmy won’t get out.”

“Mommy, Seth is pulling my arm.”

Ann approached the car and said, “I hear a lot of yelling and screaming. Seth, you look very angry.” She turned to her younger son and said,  “And Timmy, you look very upset.”  To both of them she continued, “I want each of you to tell me what is going on. Seth.”

“Whoever calls ‘shotgun’ gets to sit there. I called ‘shotgun’ first and Timmy won’t get out.”

Ann observed, “Seth, you’re angry because you called ‘shotgun’ first. Because you called it, you believe you should get to sit in the front seat.”

“Yeah”

Then she turned to her younger son and said, “Timmy. Tell me what happened.”

“I was getting in the seat when Seth called ‘shotgun’. I didn’t even know he was there. It’s not fair. He always yells ‘shotgun’.”

Their mother said, “You sound upset and frustrated. You believe what happened wasn’t fair.”

“Yeah. Seth always yells ‘shotgun’ before I can even think about (doing) it.”

Ann put her hands on her sons’ shoulders and said, “Both of you think you are right. You are both good at figuring things out. I am going to go read my book while you two work out a solution that feels fair to both of you. Come find me when you are done.” ¹

(10 minutes later)

“Mom. We know how we are going to handle it.”

“Yeah. We have the perfect plan,” beamed Timmy.

“I can’t wait to hear it,” Ann responded, eager to hear what her little lawyers had fashioned.

Seth began, “We have a system worked out so we know whose day it is to get ‘shotgun’. No fighting.”

“Yeah. And today is my day,” announced Timmy.

“That’s right. Timmy gets to sit in the front on the even days of the month and I get to sit there on the odd days.”

“And on the even days, Seth also has to set the table,” added Timmy, pleased with the way the day was turning out.

“That is a brilliant plan. I never would have thought of that.”

“Yeah. Pretty cool, eh, Mom. We’re good at this stuff,” Timmy said as he hopped back in the front seat and closed the door.

Ann turned to her son and said, “Seth, does Timmy know that tomorrow is the 31st and you’ll get two days in a row?”

“I have a lot to teach my little brother, don’t I Mom.”

“I never doubted that,” Ann chuckled.

__________________________________

Here is the basic recipe that Ann followed with the boys:

Recognize how each of them is feeling
Have each give their side of what happened
Recognize each person’s perspective
State the problem that needs to be figured out
Acknowledge their capability of finding a solution together
Walk away and let them handle it

When parents resolve conflicts for their children, they offer external solutions to problems that rob their children of important internal work that needs to be done. These parent solutions often deliver messages that children are not capable and need to depend on others to resolve their problems. In the example above, development of competence in the areas of logical thinking, communication and relatedness were promoted. The mother also modeled empathy and served as a reminder that fairness and caring are essential to moral integrity.

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¹ Example after example of how to do this can be found in Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s classic book, Siblings Without Rivalry.

The Bedtime Ritual

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Establishing a bedtime ritual early in a child’s life is an essential piece of effective parenting. The Bedtime Ritual creates a process that fosters many of our goals for self development and healthy relatedness. For example, it becomes a valuable time for tuning into children’s thoughts and feelings and curiously questioning potential misperceptions. In some cases, it is a chance to hear about problems before the “cognitive” cement dries. This process that promotes self-reliance also has broader applications.

 

Promoting self-reliance and closeness

From his earliest age, Neal had a fixed bedtime. He was like any other kid, wanting to stay up as late as possible. Getting ready for bed was not at the top of his favorites list either, but unlike many other kids, he almost always did it willingly. “What is wrong with this kid”, you ask. “That’s just not normal”, you say.

Neal’s parents appreciated the need for clear limits. They also appreciated the need for establishing dependable rituals. Neal understood that bedtime was at the same time every night. But bedtime, in Neal’s home, was a time frame involving a process, not just a discrete time of day. It began at a fixed time and ended at a fixed time. Within that span of time, he was expected to get ready for bed and then get his stories. And story time in this home was special time.

‘Getting ready for bed’ was a set of expectations that changed with developmental maturity. From putting on his own pj’s to picking up his clothes to brushing his own teeth to taking a shower and hanging up his towel, the expectations for self-reliance rose with capability. The incentive for their completion was simple. All the remaining time, before the end of bedtime, was available for story time.

The ritual of bedtime stories began for Neal even before he knew what a story was. Story time, begun in the earliest months of life, was associated with snuggling close with Mom or Dad and listening to their soothing voices. As he got older, he had his favorite stories to hear and a million questions to ask. Although his mother preferred books, his father enjoyed telling stories. Neal enjoyed diving in with his own version of how the stories should go, which led to some creative destinations neither of them could account for by the time they ended. And end they did, at the same time every night. Bargaining for staying up later and hearing more was met with a response of, “I enjoy this as much as you do. If you want more story time, then get ready for bed earlier”. The occasional tearful evening of “It’s not fair. I didn’t get enough story,” was usually followed the next evening with a kid ready to go as early as possible. Instead of nighttime battles over getting ready for bed, Neal was increasingly self-reliant in getting himself ready because story time was simply the best time of day.

Neal’s parents were good about getting on the right side of issues. Instead of ‘I want you to want what I want for you to want’ or something like that, they carefully created systems that took advantage of what children naturally wanted. In the case of bedtime, Neal wanted stories, time with Mom and Dad, and as much of it as he could get. Bounded by the limit of when bedtime ended, his parents offered support and encouragement, rather than control and punishment. They wanted him to succeed (via his self-reliance) and were eager to have satisfying (relatedness) time together. That was quite different than many other households where everything was a battle over compliance.

Expectations for self-reliance extended to other areas of Neal’s life. As he became old enough, his parents expected him to wash his own clothes. During the learning phase, he had one of them at his side to make sure that clothes were sorted, detergent was measured and washer settings were appropriate. But with increased capability that responsibility was turned over to him. The bedtime model of ‘the sooner you take care of business, the sooner we get to do the fun stuff’ held for tasks like laundry and clean-up. Even if he wasn’t always motivated to have clean clothes to wear and a clean room, he rarely wanted to miss out on the outing Dad was waiting to go on with the rest of their Saturday morning.

Eventually, the self-reliant bedtime process was a non-issue. On the occasional evening when he preferred to dawdle in the bathroom or he had something too interesting to stop, it was recognized that he was making that choice to limit his story time. Instead of it being an argument or something withheld, it was framed as a choice that Neal had made and it was respected. Over time, Neal recognized that the bedtime process and available time were under his control. And with few exceptions, he wanted that special time with Mom or Dad.

Who knows when story time ceased being passive entertainment? Neal had interests and opinions and they were honored in the process of story time. He enjoyed hearing some stories over and over. But eventually, he enjoyed taking over the telling of those well-learned stories. He enjoyed hearing his father’s made-up stories, especially when he was a character in them, but he eventually liked coauthoring them as well. That way, he got to be the hero he deserved to be, but sometimes had more than his share of Daddy-created-bad-guys to defeat.

As he became older and his interests changed, he moved beyond make believe stories to discussions of real life. He enjoyed answering his dad’s questions about how his day had gone. His mom especially liked keeping up with where things stood with friends, while his dad was particularly interested in what his next big project was going to be.

These bedtime discussions were not only enjoyable; they were also an important part of parental attunement. Neal often used this time to tell his story, such as those things at school that excited him or worried him. When a problem with a friend arose, this became his reliable time to talk about it with a parent. Sometimes those discussions arose after his mom or dad noticed he wasn’t quite his old self.

Regardless of age, we all make attributions about events and interactions. Many times we feel certain we know what happened and why, but in reality, we often “don’t know what we don’t know”. Children are especially vulnerable to reaching conclusions without knowing all the facts or making all the connections. For instance, a harsh interaction on the playground may need unraveling and reconstructing, like when Neal said, “James said the game was locked (and I couldn’t play). When I asked why, he said I wasn’t one of the ‘cool’ kids”.

Developmentally, or cognitively, children’s brains are not developed enough to do this bigger picture integration. They are reliant upon our questions to help them think of other possibilities and make unrecognized connections. In essence, parents serve as the missing cortex during childhood. Without this parent assisted analysis, kids go on thinking and feeling the way they do as a result of what someone did to them or what they believe was done to them. We all jump to conclusions, trying to make immediate sense of what has happened and why. But those conclusions are not always right and deserve careful analysis before they grow into firm beliefs.

A curious inquiry at bedtime can help a child go to sleep with a healthier take on the day’s events. Assumptions a child makes about himself and others can affect his future interactions and interpretations. Our brains do a great deal of work in terms of consolidating memories and filing things away while we sleep. Therefore, it only makes sense that we talk to our kids ‘before the cement dries’.

Wishing for Some Magic?

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The importance of exercise and its role in cognitive functioning, mental health, and preventing obesity is presented. Two examples of school systems that successfully encourage exercise are described. “Not exercising when you feel down is like not taking an aspirin when your head aches”.¹

 

The compelling benefits of regular exercise

Ever wish someone would invent a pill that would make you happier, more alert, calmer, and better able to concentrate? While we are at it, why not make it easier to sleep and lose weight. What the heck, throw in a little added libido while you are at it. Think a drug company could make some serious money on a pill like that? No, it’s not Welbutrin. It’s EXERCISE, as in one-foot-in-front-of-the-other kind of exercise.

All of the benefits of our wished for drug are derived from exercise and the evidence is very compelling, even in the elderly. Check out Art Kramer’s work at the Beckman Institute at the University of Illinois. In this You Tube video, Dr. Kramer explains how exercise, even just walking, can reverse some of the effects of aging on the brain. (He has MRI evidence of new brain growth in elderly adults who participated in regular exercise.) So can you imagine what exercise does for kids? (Don’t tell the teenagers about the added libido effect.)

The obesity rates in the United States are alarming and have climbed dramatically in the last twenty years. One third of all adults in the United States are obese. Not overweight. Obese! As recently as 1986, only seven states had an adult obesity rate above 15%. Now all states are above 20%.

(Overweight is a Body Mass Index greater than 25. Obese is a BMI > 30. Check out the CDC data on obesity or CDC resources on interventions)

BMI = (Wt. in lbs.) x (703) / (Ht. in inches)

Seventeen percent of all children (ages 2-19) in the U.S. are obese.

Yet, if you have attended graduation ceremonies for the University of Illinois Laboratory High School, you will have seen no obese teenagers. Why is that? These graduating seniors could thank (or curse) Sally Walker for this. As Director of Physical Education at Uni High, Sally initiated a fitness program that includes every student, every day, for the entirety of their five years at the school. During the week, classes alternate between aerobic workouts and weight training. To get credit for the day’s class, a student must maintain his or her heart rate within their target zone for at least twenty minutes, now recorded by the monitors they wear. First semester of their (“Subbie”) first year, there is plenty of grumbling and feeble attempts to beat the system. But soon thereafter, everyone is on board, because it is a clear expectation for everyone and it has long been an accepted part of the school culture.

Fitness at this school comes in many forms and not just by decree. Beginning the second year, during the season in which they compete, members of the school’s athletic teams are exempt from Fitness Class. With a no-cut policy for all sports teams, Uni has a high percentage of student-athletes. Sally, who still launches the fitness program with the “Subbies”, told me that a number of alums have emailed her saying, “you may find this hard to believe, but I just finished my first 1/2 or full marathon”.

Here’s how Sally described the program to me recently in an email,

We started this program in 1986, my 3rd year at Uni. It was started when we observed the declining level of fitness of our incoming Subbies, and as a lab school we felt obligated to address it. Our program has evolved over the years, adapting to the current trends and needs of our students. The one constant has been the end of year requirement for each student to complete a 5K. Amazingly, our students always impress us with their accomplishments. For some just completing the race is a huge milestone, while for others, a PR (personal record), class record or school record is their goal. Whatever the case, we remain committed to this requirement, especially when we see the smiles of satisfaction on the faces of the subbies who just months ago were sure there was no way they could ever run that far! We also see growth from year to year as some students take time to buy in, but then when they do the change is sometimes dramatic. Weight loss, gain of self-esteem, whatever, it remains the best thing about teaching!

Over the past two decades, Phil Lawler, a physical education instructor in Naperville, Illinois, has developed a fitness program that now encompasses all 19,000 students in the school district. His work is well documented in John Ratley’s book, Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise And The Brain. Naperville students rank among the best in the world in areas such as math and science. There are many who would argue that the fitness program is a major contributor to the high levels of (math and science) achievement shown by Naperville students relative to comparable socio-economic status (SES) school districts.

The Uni High and Naperville programs share several important factors. Both focus on effort (or growth), rather than meeting normative standards. In other words, their goal is for constant growth in each child; (as Sally’s words suggest) a mindset they take with them even after graduating. These programs are thus minimizing the discouraging effects of between-child comparisons and emphasizing (where kids strive to make improvements in what they have previously accomplished). An appropriate level of effort for each child is objectively established by measuring their heart rate.

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Just like Sally was able to make exercise a universally accepted part of the routine at Uni High, parents can do the same at home. The younger the child, the easier it is, because they want to be just like Mom and Dad. If you exercise regularly, they will want to join you. One of the best gifts we can give our kids, as well as ourselves, is the habit of daily exercise, beginning at a young age. Parental modeling is the most powerful form of influencing children’s behavior.

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Although apathy and low energy often characterize people suffering from mild depression, those who can find a way to begin exercising invariably find some immediate improvement in their depressive symptoms.

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See Tomporowski, Davis, Miller and Naglieri, Exercise and Children’s Intelligence, Cognition and Academic Achievement, for a thorough literature review of the research on the benefits of exercise.

For a simple but compelling summary of the cognitive benefits of exercise, see the first chapter of John Medina’s Brain Rules .

Robert Brooks’ article, Physical Exercise in School: Fitness for Both Body and Mind is just one of a series of excellent essays he has written every month over the past decade about raising healthy children. These essays can be accessed at http://www.drrobertbrooks.com/writings/index.html.

Dr. Brooks is also the author of 14 books on children, including two of my favorites: Raising Resilient Children and Raising a Self-Disciplined Child.

Grade school children who participate in daily aerobic activities have fewer disciplinary problems

¹ From American Psychologist article on exercise.

I Called Shotgun!

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Leave the conflict (and its solution) where it belongs – in the kid.

Whenever possible, make external processes internal. In this example, instead of resolving a conflict between her sons, Ann acknowledged their perspectives and how they were feeling. Then she restated the problem to be solved and left them to figure it out for themselves. Whenever possible, conflict and its solution should remain with the child.

After Ann announced it was time to leave for the library, Timmy and Seth raced out the door.

“Owww! Stop!

“Get out,” yelled Seth.

“No! I was here first,” wailed Timmy.

“I called ‘shotgun’,” Seth reminded him, pulling on his brother’s arm.

“After I was getting in the seat.”

“Doesn’t matter. I called it. Get out!”

“Owwww! You’re hurting me! Mommy!”

“Mommy, I called shotgun and Timmy won’t get out.”

“Mommy, Seth is pulling my arm.”

As Ann approached the car and she said, “I hear a lot of yelling and screaming. Seth, you look very angry. And Timmy, you look very upset, too. I want each of you to tell me what is going on. Seth.”

“Whoever calls ‘shotgun’ gets to sit there. I called ‘shotgun’ first and Timmy won’t get out.”

“You’re angry because you called ‘shotgun’ first. You believe you should get to sit in the front seat,” Ann reflected back to him.

“Yeah,” Seth said, with emphasis.

“Timmy. Tell me what happened,” his mom asked.

“I was getting in the seat when Seth called ‘shotgun’. I didn’t even know he was there. It’s not fair. He always yells ‘shotgun’.”

“You sound frustrated. You feel what happened wasn’t fair,” Ann observed.

“Yeah. Seth yells ‘shotgun’ before I can even think about it,” Timmy said, pleading his case.

“Both of you think you are right. You are both smart guys. I am going to go read my book while you two figure out a solution that feels fair to both of you. Come find me when you are done.” ¹

(10 minutes later)

“Mom. We know how we are going to handle it,” Seth announced.

“Yeah. We have the perfect plan,” Timmy beamed.

“I can’t wait to hear it.”

Seth began, “We have a plan worked out so we know whose day it is to get ‘shotgun’. No fighting.”

“Yeah. And today is my day,” announced Timmy.

“That’s right. Timmy gets to sit in the front on the even days of the month and I get to sit there on the odd days.”

“And on the even days, Seth also has to set the table,” added Timmy, pleased with the way the day was turning out.

“That is a brilliant plan. I never would have thought of that.”

“Yeah. Pretty cool, eh, Mom. We’re good at this stuff,” Timmy said as he hopped back in the front seat and closed the door.

“Seth. Does Timmy know that tomorrow is the 31st and you’ll get two days in a row?

“I have a lot to teach my little brother, don’t I Mom.”

“I never doubted that,” his mom chuckled.

__________________________________

Here is the basic recipe that Ann followed with the boys:

Recognize how each of them is feeling
Have each give their side of what happened
Recognize each person’s perspective
State the problem that needs to be figured out
Acknowledge their capability of finding a solution together
Walk away and let them handle it

When parents resolve conflicts for their children, they offer external solutions to problems that rob their children of important internal work that needs to be done. These parent solutions often deliver messages that children are not capable and need to depend on others to resolve their problems. In the example above, development of competence in the areas of logical thinking, communication and relatedness were promoted. The mother also modeled empathy and served as a reminder that fairness and caring are essential to moral integrity.

____________________________

¹ Example after example of how to do this can be found in Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s classic book, Siblings Without Rivalry.