Establishing a bedtime ritual early in a child’s life is an essential piece of effective parenting. The Bedtime Ritual creates a process that fosters many of our goals for self development and healthy relatedness. For example, it becomes a valuable time for tuning into children’s thoughts and feelings and curiously questioning potential misperceptions. In some cases, it is a chance to hear about problems before the “cognitive” cement dries. This process that promotes self-reliance also has broader applications.

Promoting self-reliance and closeness

From his earliest age, Neal had a fixed bedtime. He was like any other kid, wanting to stay up as late as possible. Getting ready for bed was not at the top of his favorites list either, but unlike many other kids, he almost always did it willingly. “What is wrong with this kid”, you ask. “That’s just not normal”, you say.

Neal’s parents appreciated the need for clear limits. They also appreciated the need for establishing dependable rituals. Neal understood that bedtime was at the same time every night. But bedtime, in Neal’s home, was a time frame involving a process, not just a discrete time of day. It began at a fixed time and ended at a fixed time. Within that span of time, he was expected to get ready for bed and then get his stories. And story time in this home was special time.

‘Getting ready for bed’ was a set of expectations that changed with developmental maturity. From putting on his own pj’s to picking up his clothes to brushing his own teeth to taking a shower and hanging up his towel, the expectations for self-reliance rose with capability. The incentive for their completion was simple. All the remaining time, before the end of bedtime, was available for story time.

The ritual of bedtime stories began for Neal even before he knew what a story was. Story time, begun in the earliest months of life, was associated with snuggling close with Mom or Dad and listening to their soothing voices. As he got older, he had his favorite stories to hear and a million questions to ask. Although his mother preferred books, his father enjoyed telling stories. Neal enjoyed diving in with his own version of how the stories should go, which led to some creative destinations neither of them could account for by the time they ended. And end they did, at the same time every night. Bargaining for staying up later and hearing more was met with a response of, “I enjoy this as much as you do. If you want more story time, then get ready for bed earlier”. The occasional tearful evening of “It’s not fair. I didn’t get enough story,” was usually followed the next evening with a kid ready to go as early as possible. Instead of nighttime battles over getting ready for bed, Neal was increasingly self-reliant in getting himself ready because story time was simply the best time of day.

Neal’s parents were good about getting on the right side of issues. Instead of ‘I want you to want what I want for you to want’ or something like that, they carefully created systems that took advantage of what children naturally wanted. In the case of bedtime, Neal wanted stories, time with Mom and Dad, and as much of it as he could get. Bounded by the limit of when bedtime ended, his parents offered support and encouragement, rather than control and punishment. They wanted him to succeed (via his self-reliance) and were eager to have satisfying (relatedness) time together. That was quite different than many other households where everything was a battle over compliance.

Expectations for self-reliance extended to other areas of Neal’s life. As he became old enough, his parents expected him to wash his own clothes. During the learning phase, he had one of them at his side to make sure that clothes were sorted, detergent was measured and washer settings were appropriate. But with increased capability that responsibility was turned over to him. The bedtime model of ‘the sooner you take care of business, the sooner we get to do the fun stuff’ held for tasks like laundry and clean-up. Even if he wasn’t always motivated to have clean clothes to wear and a clean room, he rarely wanted to miss out on the outing Dad was waiting to go on with the rest of their Saturday morning.

Eventually, the self-reliant bedtime process was a non-issue. On the occasional evening when he preferred to dawdle in the bathroom or he had something too interesting to stop, it was recognized that he was making that choice to limit his story time. Instead of it being an argument or something withheld, it was framed as a choice that Neal had made and it was respected. Over time, Neal recognized that the bedtime process and available time were under his control. And with few exceptions, he wanted that special time with Mom or Dad.

Who knows when story time ceased being passive entertainment? Neal had interests and opinions and they were honored in the process of story time. He enjoyed hearing some stories over and over. But eventually, he enjoyed taking over the telling of those well-learned stories. He enjoyed hearing his father’s made-up stories, especially when he was a character in them, but he eventually liked coauthoring them as well. That way, he got to be the hero he deserved to be, but sometimes had more than his share of Daddy-created-bad-guys to defeat.

As he became older and his interests changed, he moved beyond make believe stories to discussions of real life. He enjoyed answering his dad’s questions about how his day had gone. His mom especially liked keeping up with where things stood with friends, while his dad was particularly interested in what his next big project was going to be.

These bedtime discussions were not only enjoyable; they were also an important part of parental attunement. Neal often used this time to tell his story, such as those things at school that excited him or worried him. When a problem with a friend arose, this became his reliable time to talk about it with a parent. Sometimes those discussions arose after his mom or dad noticed he wasn’t quite his old self.

Regardless of age, we all make attributions about events and interactions. Many times we feel certain we know what happened and why, but in reality, we often “don’t know what we don’t know”. Children are especially vulnerable to reaching conclusions without knowing all the facts or making all the connections. For instance, a harsh interaction on the playground may need unraveling and reconstructing, like when Neal said, “James said the game was locked (and I couldn’t play). When I asked why, he said I wasn’t one of the ‘cool’ kids”.

Developmentally, or cognitively, children’s brains are not developed enough to do this bigger picture integration. They are reliant upon our questions to help them think of other possibilities and make unrecognized connections. In essence, parents serve as the missing cortex during childhood. Without this parent assisted analysis, kids go on thinking and feeling the way they do as a result of what someone did to them or what they believe was done to them. We all jump to conclusions, trying to make immediate sense of what has happened and why. But those conclusions are not always right and deserve careful analysis before they grow into firm beliefs.

A curious inquiry at bedtime can help a child go to sleep with a healthier take on the day’s events. Assumptions a child makes about himself and others can affect his future interactions and interpretations. Our brains do a great deal of work in terms of consolidating memories and filing things away while we sleep. Therefore, it only makes sense that we talk to our kids ‘before the cement dries’.