Before responding to a problem or reacting to a child’s behavior, take the time to ask a series of five ‘why’ questions. The basis for the problem and a possible solution will be understood at a more fundamental and effective level. Having to answer five of your ‘why’ questions will cause your child to think more deeply about their behavior as well.
Promoting Logical Thinking and Problem Solving
Ever wonder about the origin of the expression, “Children should be seen but not heard”? If you have been around a preschooler recently, you should be able to figure this one out. After the word, “No”, what is the most frequently uttered word? Why of course, it is “Why”.
“Why do dogs have tails?”
“Why do you put gas in the car?”
“Why do I have to go to bed?”
“Why don’t dogs talk?”
And so on.
It is not just the number of “why” questions, but the fact that whatever answer you give the kid, it will invariably be followed by another “why” question. Is our frustration with the annoyance of the endless questioning? No, it is the fact that if we genuinely try to answer a series of “why” questions relating to one topic, we quickly find ourselves struggling for answers. And what is the simple solution to that obnoxious behavior? Children should be seen but not heard.
Is there a lesson to be learned here? One simple lesson is the fact that a series of “why” questions pulls for much more depth than most of us give to our everyday problem solving. Most of us are good at coming up with a quick causal explanation for something and running with it. Are you familiar with Occam’s Razor – which holds that the simplest explanation is often the best? Well, Occam raised a dull child. Face it. Most of life’s problems are far more complex than we would prefer. By asking a “why” question five times in succession, some of that complexity is unearthed.
Originally developed by Taiichi Ohno as a scientific problem solving methodology to improve production at Toyota Motors, the Five Why’s approach seeks to find the basis to a problem as well as its solution by repeating “why” five times. What does manufacturing Toyota’s have to do with raising a child, you ask? When was the last time you had a problem with your Toyota?
This simple approach to problem solving often yields surprising amounts of depth as to causes as well as possible solutions. Give it a try. Here is a simple example:
Having noticed the new water stain on the ceiling, Amanda started to dial the number of her plumber. Then she paused and decided to find out what her teenage son knew about the water problem first.
“Why is there water stain on the ceiling?”
“The sink in the bathroom overflowed.”
“Why did the sink overflow?”
“It was filled with my stuff. You know – my T-shirts and socks.”
“Why was it filled with laundry?”
“That seemed like a better place for it than leaving it on the bathroom floor.”
“Why don’t you put the clothes in the laundry room?”
“Because they aren’t that dirty.”
“Why is the sink a better place than hanging in your closet?”
“That’s a long walk, Mom.”
Instead of a plumbing bill for a house call, this mother found a trove of answers. She not only found the cause of the water damage, she found a couple of other causes worth pursuing. Not only will her son come up with some new laundry skills, he will also learn the fine art of dry wall repair. How’s that for a natural consequence or two?
Five why’s is a valuable form of assessment that leads to defining goals to master; staying engaged with a problem; and managing anxiety. It is a simple way to “Analyze Before You Act”.
So, don’t whine. Ask “why” – five times.
Here is a template that can be used to generate ideas about causes and solutions:
Questions asked: Child’s responses: Insights provided:
Why is there a water stain on the living room ceiling?
The sink in the bathroom overflowed.
Does the sink or the bathroom need a back-up drain to prevent or contain overflows?
Why?
It was filled with my stuff. You know – my T-shirts and socks.
Do I need to establish a clearer set of expectations about laundry?
Why?
That seemed like a better place for it than leaving it on the floor.
Do I need a set of consequences for this kind of behavior?
Why?
Because they aren’t that dirty.
How can I help promote logical thinking (LT), internal discipline (ID), and responsibility (RES)?
Why?
That’s a long walk, Mom
Is it too late to put him up for adoption?
Do you think the teenager got anything out of this series of questions? Do you think this process does anything for his development of logical thinking (LT), internal discipline (ID), and responsibility (RES)? How about the mother? How did she benefit from asking this series of questions?