Whenever possible, make external processes internal. In this example, instead of resolving a conflict between her sons, Ann acknowledged their perspectives and how they were feeling. Then she restated the problem to be solved and left them to figure it out for themselves. Whenever possible, conflict and its solution should remain with the child.
Leave the conflict (and its solution) where it belongs – in the kid.
“Owww! Stop!
“Get out!”, yelled Seth.
“No! I was here first,” whined his little brother, Timmy.
“I called ‘shotgun’.”
“After I was getting in the seat.”
“Doesn’t matter. I called it. Get out!”
“Owwww! You’re hurting me! Mommy!”
“Mommy, I called ‘shotgun’ and Timmy won’t get out.”
“Mommy, Seth is pulling my arm.”
Ann approached the car and said, “I hear a lot of yelling and screaming. Seth, you look very angry.” She turned to her younger son and said, “And Timmy, you look very upset.” To both of them she continued, “I want each of you to tell me what is going on. Seth.”
“Whoever calls ‘shotgun’ gets to sit there. I called ‘shotgun’ first and Timmy won’t get out.”
Ann observed, “Seth, you’re angry because you called ‘shotgun’ first. Because you called it, you believe you should get to sit in the front seat.”
“Yeah”
Then she turned to her younger son and said, “Timmy. Tell me what happened.”
“I was getting in the seat when Seth called ‘shotgun’. I didn’t even know he was there. It’s not fair. He always yells ‘shotgun’.”
Their mother said, “You sound upset and frustrated. You believe what happened wasn’t fair.”
“Yeah. Seth always yells ‘shotgun’ before I can even think about (doing) it.”
Ann put her hands on her sons’ shoulders and said, “Both of you think you are right. You are both good at figuring things out. I am going to go read my book while you two work out a solution that feels fair to both of you. Come find me when you are done.” ¹
(10 minutes later)
“Mom. We know how we are going to handle it.”
“Yeah. We have the perfect plan,” beamed Timmy.
“I can’t wait to hear it,” Ann responded, eager to hear what her little lawyers had fashioned.
Seth began, “We have a system worked out so we know whose day it is to get ‘shotgun’. No fighting.”
“Yeah. And today is my day,” announced Timmy.
“That’s right. Timmy gets to sit in the front on the even days of the month and I get to sit there on the odd days.”
“And on the even days, Seth also has to set the table,” added Timmy, pleased with the way the day was turning out.
“That is a brilliant plan. I never would have thought of that.”
“Yeah. Pretty cool, eh, Mom. We’re good at this stuff,” Timmy said as he hopped back in the front seat and closed the door.
Ann turned to her son and said, “Seth, does Timmy know that tomorrow is the 31st and you’ll get two days in a row?”
“I have a lot to teach my little brother, don’t I Mom.”
“I never doubted that,” Ann chuckled.
__________________________________
Here is the basic recipe that Ann followed with the boys:
Recognize how each of them is feeling
Have each give their side of what happened
Recognize each person’s perspective
State the problem that needs to be figured out
Acknowledge their capability of finding a solution together
Walk away and let them handle it
When parents resolve conflicts for their children, they offer external solutions to problems that rob their children of important internal work that needs to be done. These parent solutions often deliver messages that children are not capable and need to depend on others to resolve their problems. In the example above, development of competence in the areas of logical thinking, communication and relatedness were promoted. The mother also modeled empathy and served as a reminder that fairness and caring are essential to moral integrity.
____________________________
¹ Example after example of how to do this can be found in Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s classic book, Siblings Without Rivalry.