Leave the conflict (and its solution) where it belongs – in the kid.
Whenever possible, make external processes internal. In this example, instead of resolving a conflict between her sons, Ann acknowledged their perspectives and how they were feeling. Then she restated the problem to be solved and left them to figure it out for themselves. Whenever possible, conflict and its solution should remain with the child.
After Ann announced it was time to leave for the library, Timmy and Seth raced out the door.
“Owww! Stop!
“Get out,” yelled Seth.
“No! I was here first,” wailed Timmy.
“I called ‘shotgun’,” Seth reminded him, pulling on his brother’s arm.
“After I was getting in the seat.”
“Doesn’t matter. I called it. Get out!”
“Owwww! You’re hurting me! Mommy!”
“Mommy, I called shotgun and Timmy won’t get out.”
“Mommy, Seth is pulling my arm.”
As Ann approached the car and she said, “I hear a lot of yelling and screaming. Seth, you look very angry. And Timmy, you look very upset, too. I want each of you to tell me what is going on. Seth.”
“Whoever calls ‘shotgun’ gets to sit there. I called ‘shotgun’ first and Timmy won’t get out.”
“You’re angry because you called ‘shotgun’ first. You believe you should get to sit in the front seat,” Ann reflected back to him.
“Yeah,” Seth said, with emphasis.
“Timmy. Tell me what happened,” his mom asked.
“I was getting in the seat when Seth called ‘shotgun’. I didn’t even know he was there. It’s not fair. He always yells ‘shotgun’.”
“You sound frustrated. You feel what happened wasn’t fair,” Ann observed.
“Yeah. Seth yells ‘shotgun’ before I can even think about it,” Timmy said, pleading his case.
“Both of you think you are right. You are both smart guys. I am going to go read my book while you two figure out a solution that feels fair to both of you. Come find me when you are done.” ¹
(10 minutes later)
“Mom. We know how we are going to handle it,” Seth announced.
“Yeah. We have the perfect plan,” Timmy beamed.
“I can’t wait to hear it.”
Seth began, “We have a plan worked out so we know whose day it is to get ‘shotgun’. No fighting.”
“Yeah. And today is my day,” announced Timmy.
“That’s right. Timmy gets to sit in the front on the even days of the month and I get to sit there on the odd days.”
“And on the even days, Seth also has to set the table,” added Timmy, pleased with the way the day was turning out.
“That is a brilliant plan. I never would have thought of that.”
“Yeah. Pretty cool, eh, Mom. We’re good at this stuff,” Timmy said as he hopped back in the front seat and closed the door.
“Seth. Does Timmy know that tomorrow is the 31st and you’ll get two days in a row?
“I have a lot to teach my little brother, don’t I Mom.”
“I never doubted that,” his mom chuckled.
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Here is the basic recipe that Ann followed with the boys:
Recognize how each of them is feeling
Have each give their side of what happened
Recognize each person’s perspective
State the problem that needs to be figured out
Acknowledge their capability of finding a solution together
Walk away and let them handle it
When parents resolve conflicts for their children, they offer external solutions to problems that rob their children of important internal work that needs to be done. These parent solutions often deliver messages that children are not capable and need to depend on others to resolve their problems. In the example above, development of competence in the areas of logical thinking, communication and relatedness were promoted. The mother also modeled empathy and served as a reminder that fairness and caring are essential to moral integrity.
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¹ Example after example of how to do this can be found in Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s classic book, Siblings Without Rivalry.