Healthy limits promote developmental growth
Working within limits promotes the development of self-regulation in children. Limits on spending, bedtime, and television/computer are described. With a clothing allowance, a child must make choices, plan ahead and save for what is most important. At bedtime, a child knows that dawdling limits the amount of time for stories. And with a limit on electronics, a child takes care of homework and responsibilities and then makes good use of the time remaining.
Have you heard of the famous environmental essay by Garrett Hardin entitled, The Tragedy of the Commons? He used the metaphor where each farmer personally gains by adding one more cow to the village commons. However, at some point adding too many cows leads to overgrazing and ruining the common pasture. Never heard of it? How about this? Each of your kids knows that if she asks you for money, she will benefit. But if each kid asks for money for everything they want, you end up with a tragedy in some form of overindulgence, conflict, or both. There’s nothing worse than an overgrazed parent!
How do the farmers solve the problem? Fences, taxes or private property¹ – in other words, some form of limits. How does the parent avoid a tragedy? By appealing to the child’s sense of morality and conscience? Get real! By fences, taxes and private property, of course.
The Clothing Allowance
As soon as children know that money can buy things, they should also learn that money is a limited resource. Children should also learn how to manage that resource, responsibly. What better way to motivate them than to make it their money they are limiting. They are far less motivated to limit the use of your money. They are young, but not stupid.
With developmental capability in mind, a child should be given a weekly allowance. (Provision for earning additional money is a good idea, but a small allowance allows for this process of working within limits.) For example, at some point, depending on the child, the money needed to pay for clothing can be determined and given in the form of a weekly allowance*. (Winter coats and shoes for school or formal occasions are still done the old fashioned way – shopping with Mom or Dad). When the child comes to you saying, “I reeeeeeally need this sweater”, you are able to say, “Wow, that really is a nice sweater. I hope you find a way to make that work (given your budget)”. You are free to appreciate their interests and tastes, but the conflict about affording it – deciding what is most important and what has to be sacrificed – is a bind that resides in the child, where it belongs, not in you or between the two of you. You can be the supportive coach, cheering from the sidelines, ready to give advice, but not money. When the children know that the allowance is the limit, they learn to work within it. They can make a case periodically for cost of living increases and those should be listened to and reasoned through together, but those decisions are based on logic and reason. Finally, the limit should also be set with the logical extension being: “If you really need more money, you can find a way to earn it”.
My daughter embraced the clothing allowance as if it was a great life challenge. Since clothes and appearance were important to her, she learned to search for bargains at TJMax and second hand stores. “You know, Dad, nobody knows whether I bought this top new or used”. My son, on the other hand, could care less about fashion. He willingly wore old T-shirts and saved his clothing money to buy new video games – at least until he got a girl friend.
Limits and responsibility are essentials for promoting healthy development. Pushing up against limits forces children to take on more responsibility. Essentially the message to a child is this, “If you want more freedom or more privileges, then take on the (self-regulation) responsibility so the (parental) limits are not necessary”. The message to you, the parent, is this: “Keep the conflict in the child, not in you.” That is what promotes the internal growth in the child. It is self regulation s/he must master, not a battle with parent that must be won.
Bedtime Limits
The tragedy of the commons concept also applies to time. If children graze away the hours of the day, making decisions of how to use their time based on what they feel in the moment, then bedtime arrives with homework undone and conflict over staying up later a nightly ritual.
Bedtime is an arena in which many of life’s lessons can be learned. From the earliest years, children need to get themselves ready for bed, doing the self-care tasks they are developmentally capable of. Bedtime is also a time for parent and child to snuggle and have some loving time together. Reading or telling stories when they are young, can progress to mutually told stories, and then eventually “how was your day” when they are older. With a set bedtime, when the parent says, “Goodnight”, the child has a strong incentive to get completely ready for bed, because the sooner she does, the more story time she gets.
Instead of nagging the child about every little step, the parent is free to say, “I can’t wait to finish our book (which the parent is secretly reading to himself)”. Similarly, the ten-year-old who lobbies for a later bedtime because all his friends have it can hear the message, “If you can get yourself up in the morning on your own (for a week) and ready for the bus on time without my (nagging) help, then you can move your bedtime a half hour later.” ** With the end of bedtime as a set time, the child has to fit everything (bathing, putting away clothes, and story time) into the time budget.
Limits on electronics
Healthy limits also convey the message that taking responsibility leads to greater control and freedom. The sooner the post dinner clean-up is done, the more time is left for family fun. The sooner the homework is done, the more time is left for television or computer. On weekends, a set limit on television time forces the child to plan ahead, record his favorite shows and make decisions about what he values the most. Similarly, a limit on computer time forces planning and decision making, minimizing wasted grazing and surfing. It takes a potentially passive process and makes it a far more active one due to the responsibility of working within limits.
In summary, the absence of limits leads to a tragedy of the commons; while the inclusion of developmentally appropriate limits promotes growth.
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-The use of a Visa Buxx cash card (with parental controls and monitoring) is a good way for kids to learn money management. The parent puts the designated amount into the child’s Visa Buxx account. The child cannot spend more than what is in the account. A record of what the card has been used for is easily accessible on line. Plus the parent has the ability to add to or suspend the card at any time. Therefore, the card promotes responsibility with transparency.
-Privileges or the relaxing of external (parental) limits are earned by the assumption of responsibility or internal control on the part of the child. It also follows that when that responsibility wanes, more external control is required. In the example above, the child can prove a readiness for a later bedtime. He can also show a need for returning to an earlier bedtime if he cannot get himself up and ready for school independently. Limits should be dynamic and based on developmental readiness and proven responsibility.
Key words: internal discipline; limits; responsibility; internal vs. external control; parental limits
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¹ These are Western Civilization solutions. Other cultures have found communal ways to manage this threat through cooperation, agreements, and/or traditions. Ultimately, in healthy families respect and a felt sense of shared responsibility often take the place of arbitrary “fences”.
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Link to Visa Buxx site for an introduction to the use of this prepaid card. Visa has marketed the card for use with teenagers and I have found it very helpful in transferring the conflict of managing money to the child rather than it being a conflict between parent and child. The child is responsible for this area of their life (clothes and entertainment, for instance). This is the money they have to work with. They are free to make the decisions, but not free to ask for more money. Immediately you begin to see skills such as budgeting you never knew possible.