You’re So Smart

by

Intelligence is not a fixed, unchangeable quality. It can grow with effort. Consequently, praise for being smart can undermine a child’s motivation and performance. Instead, praise should focus on the effort a child has made, such as facing and overcoming challenges.

Intelligence can grow with effort

You’re so smart,” gushes Heather’s mother upon seeing her report card. “Look at that Nathaniel. All A’s! I’m so proud of you honey. I told you she was the smartest kid in that school. Wait ’til I show that report card to Grandma.”

Heather’s mother can hardly wait to get on the phone with grandma, put the bumper sticker on her car, and get together with the girls for a “so how are the kids doing” chat. Despite her need to tell the world about her “smart” little girl, she genuinely loves her daughter and has the best of intentions. Unfortunately, her high praise may have unintended consequences.

Mother praised Heather for being so “smart”. She called her the “smartest kid in the school” and in the process told her how proud she was of her for being so smart. In other words, she was praised for her intelligence – as if she has been blessed with an extra large helping of “smartness”. Many people view intelligence as something we are dealt at birth. Some of us get better hands than others. From the looks of that report card, Heather was dealt a hand full of Aces.

Although well intentioned, mother has inadvertently made her praise conditional. If Mom is so proud of her for getting straight A’s, what will she feel about her if she comes up with something less? When her father says, “That’s my girl”, then whose girl is she when she brings home B’s? Am I being too critical? There are many other ways for Heather to know her parents genuinely love her, unconditionally; right? But the risk here is that Heather is being labeled as “special” and may feel a need to hold on to that “specialness” to retain her parents’ approval and her own self-esteem.

So what is the harm in telling a kid she is smart – when it is obvious she is? An important developmental theme has been ignored or violated. By focusing on how smart she is rather that how much effort she put forth, these parents have focused on a fixed trait as the source of her success – as if she possesses a certain amount of smarts. In other words, they are attributing the A’s to this trait or a good brain she was born with. This view holds that intelligence is a set or fixed entity – not subject to change (or growth).

The alternative developmental perspective, and the one I want you to consider, is the idea that intelligence is dynamic – it can change with effort. This view is supported by research that shows actual measurable brain growth that results from use – focused practice in particular. If we could do an autopsy (my apologies) on Itzhak Perlman, we would find his brain has significantly greater development associated with playing the violin and with the fingers on his left hand in particular. The same goes for your son’s eye-hand (aka video game) coordination; Rafael Nadal’s forehand; Gretzky’s skating; or Emeril’s cooking. This brain development is not just limited to physical activities. It also applies to reading, writing and math. Focused effort yields growth – measurable growth. In other words, it is possible to become smarter. Everyone can improve their current level of functioning with focused practice.

So where does that leave Heather? What if her mother had said,”Wow, I know how hard you worked this year.” or “You must be very proud of what you have accomplished.” If Heather had in fact worked hard, then that effort deserves mother’s praise. The goal of development is for kids to become internally disciplined or self-directed. Heather needs to know that growth is possible and it is under her control.

By labeling her as “smart” and implying that is the basis for the straight A’s was some fixed “smartness”, then what is Heather going to do when she moves on to high school where classes are more challenging and the peer competition is greater? What is she going to do when math concepts are more difficult to grasp and essays need deeper analysis? How is she going to respond to criticism, which can imply that maybe she is not so smart, yet is essential to making improvements and growing. If a child needs to hold on to the fixed label, then she may avoid challenges and potential failures. But that is a formula for stagnation. With a growth mindset, control is internal. She knows that her effort, focused practice which involves correcting errors and getting it right before moving on, is the source of growth and getting smarter.

In an ideal setting, the report card would represent mastery of specific skills in each of those subject areas. We could look at that card and know that at Jefferson Middle School an A in math means that she has mastered factoring, solving for two unknowns, setting up proportions, …; an A in PE means that she challenged herself daily with at least 20 min of aerobic exercise in her target heart rate zone; an A in English means that she can write an editorial that presents a logical argument, with three main points, that are clearly introduced, substantiated with evidence, and clearly summarized in the end; and so on …

The work of Carol Dweck and her students has demonstrated that by focusing on labels of intelligence (as if it is a fixed quality) in the long run can undermine a child’s motivation and school performance. In contrast, praise for effort provides useful support for the essential means to growth (or getting “smarter”). See:

Mueller, Claudia M. and Dweck, Carol S., Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children’s Motivation and Performance, Personality and Social Psychology, 1998, Vol. 75, No. 1, 33-52, 0022-3514/98/S3.00

The Bedtime Ritual

by

Establishing a bedtime ritual early in a child’s life is an essential piece of effective parenting. The Bedtime Ritual creates a process that fosters many of our goals for self development and healthy relatedness. For example, it becomes a valuable time for tuning into children’s thoughts and feelings and curiously questioning potential misperceptions. In some cases, it is a chance to hear about problems before the “cognitive” cement dries. This process that promotes self-reliance also has broader applications.

 

Promoting self-reliance and closeness

From his earliest age, Neal had a fixed bedtime. He was like any other kid, wanting to stay up as late as possible. Getting ready for bed was not at the top of his favorites list either, but unlike many other kids, he almost always did it willingly. “What is wrong with this kid”, you ask. “That’s just not normal”, you say.

Neal’s parents appreciated the need for clear limits. They also appreciated the need for establishing dependable rituals. Neal understood that bedtime was at the same time every night. But bedtime, in Neal’s home, was a time frame involving a process, not just a discrete time of day. It began at a fixed time and ended at a fixed time. Within that span of time, he was expected to get ready for bed and then get his stories. And story time in this home was special time.

‘Getting ready for bed’ was a set of expectations that changed with developmental maturity. From putting on his own pj’s to picking up his clothes to brushing his own teeth to taking a shower and hanging up his towel, the expectations for self-reliance rose with capability. The incentive for their completion was simple. All the remaining time, before the end of bedtime, was available for story time.

The ritual of bedtime stories began for Neal even before he knew what a story was. Story time, begun in the earliest months of life, was associated with snuggling close with Mom or Dad and listening to their soothing voices. As he got older, he had his favorite stories to hear and a million questions to ask. Although his mother preferred books, his father enjoyed telling stories. Neal enjoyed diving in with his own version of how the stories should go, which led to some creative destinations neither of them could account for by the time they ended. And end they did, at the same time every night. Bargaining for staying up later and hearing more was met with a response of, “I enjoy this as much as you do. If you want more story time, then get ready for bed earlier”. The occasional tearful evening of “It’s not fair. I didn’t get enough story,” was usually followed the next evening with a kid ready to go as early as possible. Instead of nighttime battles over getting ready for bed, Neal was increasingly self-reliant in getting himself ready because story time was simply the best time of day.

Neal’s parents were good about getting on the right side of issues. Instead of ‘I want you to want what I want for you to want’ or something like that, they carefully created systems that took advantage of what children naturally wanted. In the case of bedtime, Neal wanted stories, time with Mom and Dad, and as much of it as he could get. Bounded by the limit of when bedtime ended, his parents offered support and encouragement, rather than control and punishment. They wanted him to succeed (via his self-reliance) and were eager to have satisfying (relatedness) time together. That was quite different than many other households where everything was a battle over compliance.

Expectations for self-reliance extended to other areas of Neal’s life. As he became old enough, his parents expected him to wash his own clothes. During the learning phase, he had one of them at his side to make sure that clothes were sorted, detergent was measured and washer settings were appropriate. But with increased capability that responsibility was turned over to him. The bedtime model of ‘the sooner you take care of business, the sooner we get to do the fun stuff’ held for tasks like laundry and clean-up. Even if he wasn’t always motivated to have clean clothes to wear and a clean room, he rarely wanted to miss out on the outing Dad was waiting to go on with the rest of their Saturday morning.

Eventually, the self-reliant bedtime process was a non-issue. On the occasional evening when he preferred to dawdle in the bathroom or he had something too interesting to stop, it was recognized that he was making that choice to limit his story time. Instead of it being an argument or something withheld, it was framed as a choice that Neal had made and it was respected. Over time, Neal recognized that the bedtime process and available time were under his control. And with few exceptions, he wanted that special time with Mom or Dad.

Who knows when story time ceased being passive entertainment? Neal had interests and opinions and they were honored in the process of story time. He enjoyed hearing some stories over and over. But eventually, he enjoyed taking over the telling of those well-learned stories. He enjoyed hearing his father’s made-up stories, especially when he was a character in them, but he eventually liked coauthoring them as well. That way, he got to be the hero he deserved to be, but sometimes had more than his share of Daddy-created-bad-guys to defeat.

As he became older and his interests changed, he moved beyond make believe stories to discussions of real life. He enjoyed answering his dad’s questions about how his day had gone. His mom especially liked keeping up with where things stood with friends, while his dad was particularly interested in what his next big project was going to be.

These bedtime discussions were not only enjoyable; they were also an important part of parental attunement. Neal often used this time to tell his story, such as those things at school that excited him or worried him. When a problem with a friend arose, this became his reliable time to talk about it with a parent. Sometimes those discussions arose after his mom or dad noticed he wasn’t quite his old self.

Regardless of age, we all make attributions about events and interactions. Many times we feel certain we know what happened and why, but in reality, we often “don’t know what we don’t know”. Children are especially vulnerable to reaching conclusions without knowing all the facts or making all the connections. For instance, a harsh interaction on the playground may need unraveling and reconstructing, like when Neal said, “James said the game was locked (and I couldn’t play). When I asked why, he said I wasn’t one of the ‘cool’ kids”.

Developmentally, or cognitively, children’s brains are not developed enough to do this bigger picture integration. They are reliant upon our questions to help them think of other possibilities and make unrecognized connections. In essence, parents serve as the missing cortex during childhood. Without this parent assisted analysis, kids go on thinking and feeling the way they do as a result of what someone did to them or what they believe was done to them. We all jump to conclusions, trying to make immediate sense of what has happened and why. But those conclusions are not always right and deserve careful analysis before they grow into firm beliefs.

A curious inquiry at bedtime can help a child go to sleep with a healthier take on the day’s events. Assumptions a child makes about himself and others can affect his future interactions and interpretations. Our brains do a great deal of work in terms of consolidating memories and filing things away while we sleep. Therefore, it only makes sense that we talk to our kids ‘before the cement dries’.

The Limits for Growth

by

Healthy limits promote developmental growth

Working within limits promotes the development of self-regulation in children. Limits on spending, bedtime, and television/computer are described. With a clothing allowance, a child must make choices, plan ahead and save for what is most important. At bedtime, a child knows that dawdling limits the amount of time for stories. And with a limit on electronics, a child takes care of homework and responsibilities and then makes good use of the time remaining.

Have you heard of the famous environmental essay by Garrett Hardin entitled, The Tragedy of the Commons? He used the metaphor where each farmer personally gains by adding one more cow to the village commons. However, at some point adding too many cows leads to overgrazing and ruining the common pasture. Never heard of it? How about this? Each of your kids knows that if she asks you for money, she will benefit. But if each kid asks for money for everything they want, you end up with a tragedy in some form of overindulgence, conflict, or both. There’s nothing worse than an overgrazed parent!

How do the farmers solve the problem? Fences, taxes or private property¹ – in other words, some form of limits. How does the parent avoid a tragedy? By appealing to the child’s sense of morality and conscience? Get real! By fences, taxes and private property, of course.

The Clothing Allowance

As soon as children know that money can buy things, they should also learn that money is a limited resource. Children should also learn how to manage that resource, responsibly. What better way to motivate them than to make it their money they are limiting. They are far less motivated to limit the use of your money. They are young, but not stupid.

With developmental capability in mind, a child should be given a weekly allowance. (Provision for earning additional money is a good idea, but a small allowance allows for this process of working within limits.) For example, at some point, depending on the child, the money needed to pay for clothing can be determined and given in the form of a weekly allowance*. (Winter coats and shoes for school or formal occasions are still done the old fashioned way – shopping with Mom or Dad). When the child comes to you saying, “I reeeeeeally need this sweater”, you are able to say, “Wow, that really is a nice sweater. I hope you find a way to make that work (given your budget)”. You are free to appreciate their interests and tastes, but the conflict about affording it – deciding what is most important and what has to be sacrificed – is a bind that resides in the child, where it belongs, not in you or between the two of you. You can be the supportive coach, cheering from the sidelines, ready to give advice, but not money. When the children know that the allowance is the limit, they learn to work within it. They can make a case periodically for cost of living increases and those should be listened to and reasoned through together, but those decisions are based on logic and reason. Finally, the limit should also be set with the logical extension being: “If you really need more money, you can find a way to earn it”.

My daughter embraced the clothing allowance as if it was a great life challenge. Since clothes and appearance were important to her, she learned to search for bargains at TJMax and second hand stores. “You know, Dad, nobody knows whether I bought this top new or used”. My son, on the other hand, could care less about fashion. He willingly wore old T-shirts and saved his clothing money to buy new video games – at least until he got a girl friend.

Limits and responsibility are essentials for promoting healthy development. Pushing up against limits forces children to take on more responsibility. Essentially the message to a child is this, “If you want more freedom or more privileges, then take on the (self-regulation) responsibility so the (parental) limits are not necessary”. The message to you, the parent, is this: “Keep the conflict in the child, not in you.” That is what promotes the internal growth in the child. It is self regulation s/he must master, not a battle with parent that must be won.

Bedtime Limits

The tragedy of the commons concept also applies to time. If children graze away the hours of the day, making decisions of how to use their time based on what they feel in the moment, then bedtime arrives with homework undone and conflict over staying up later a nightly ritual.

Bedtime is an arena in which many of life’s lessons can be learned. From the earliest years, children need to get themselves ready for bed, doing the self-care tasks they are developmentally capable of. Bedtime is also a time for parent and child to snuggle and have some loving time together. Reading or telling stories when they are young, can progress to mutually told stories, and then eventually “how was your day” when they are older. With a set bedtime, when the parent says, “Goodnight”, the child has a strong incentive to get completely ready for bed, because the sooner she does, the more story time she gets.

Instead of nagging the child about every little step, the parent is free to say, “I can’t wait to finish our book (which the parent is secretly reading to himself)”. Similarly, the ten-year-old who lobbies for a later bedtime because all his friends have it can hear the message, “If you can get yourself up in the morning on your own (for a week) and ready for the bus on time without my (nagging) help, then you can move your bedtime a half hour later.” ** With the end of bedtime as a set time, the child has to fit everything (bathing, putting away clothes, and story time) into the time budget.

Limits on electronics

Healthy limits also convey the message that taking responsibility leads to greater control and freedom. The sooner the post dinner clean-up is done, the more time is left for family fun. The sooner the homework is done, the more time is left for television or computer. On weekends, a set limit on television time forces the child to plan ahead, record his favorite shows and make decisions about what he values the most. Similarly, a limit on computer time forces planning and decision making, minimizing wasted grazing and surfing. It takes a potentially passive process and makes it a far more active one due to the responsibility of working within limits.

In summary, the absence of limits leads to a tragedy of the commons; while the inclusion of developmentally appropriate limits promotes growth.

_______________________________

-The use of a Visa Buxx cash card (with parental controls and monitoring) is a good way for kids to learn money management. The parent puts the designated amount into the child’s Visa Buxx account. The child cannot spend more than what is in the account. A record of what the card has been used for is easily accessible on line. Plus the parent has the ability to add to or suspend the card at any time. Therefore, the card promotes responsibility with transparency.

-Privileges or the relaxing of external (parental) limits are earned by the assumption of responsibility or internal control on the part of the child. It also follows that when that responsibility wanes, more external control is required. In the example above, the child can prove a readiness for a later bedtime. He can also show a need for returning to an earlier bedtime if he cannot get himself up and ready for school independently. Limits should be dynamic and based on developmental readiness and proven responsibility.

Key words: internal discipline; limits; responsibility; internal vs. external control; parental limits

___________________________________

¹ These are Western Civilization solutions. Other cultures have found communal ways to manage this threat through cooperation, agreements, and/or traditions. Ultimately, in healthy families respect and a felt sense of shared responsibility often take the place of arbitrary “fences”.

___________________________________

 

Link to Visa Buxx site for an introduction to the use of this prepaid card. Visa has marketed the card for use with teenagers and I have found it very helpful in transferring the conflict of managing money to the child rather than it being a conflict between parent and child. The child is responsible for this area of their life (clothes and entertainment, for instance). This is the money they have to work with. They are free to make the decisions, but not free to ask for more money. Immediately you begin to see skills such as budgeting you never knew possible.